Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast

Becoming Fab

December 15, 2021 Season 2 Episode 15
Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast
Becoming Fab
Show Notes Transcript

Today we have a powerful conversation with  Christine Channer. We dive deep into our spirit of validation and how discomfort is not just surface level. We take off our masks and reveal our authenticity and identities to you. We're full of humility today, and can't wait to share with you. 

About Christine

Christine Channer Auguste is an award-winning, community-focused and strategic-minded leader with close to two decades of transformational success in cultural diversity, strategic planning, Indigenous relations, education, business development and community engagement. Her team at Channer Consulting & Training pride themselves in being an inclusive and diverse team and have built strong relationships with clients in various Indigenous communities, and other racialized and/or marginalized communities and organizations across Canada.

A change-maker and community partner, Christine is also known as “Fab” in the community, and is the Creator behind the Fab Collective Podcast and Lifestyle Brand. Here, she focuses on overall wellness, purpose-driven initiatives, social justice, race relations and the advocacy and amplification of  Black, Indigenous and other BIPOC and underrepresented groups.

A fierce advocate and ally for empowerment through education, learning and strategic planning within Indigenous Communities, Christine has travelled across Canada to First Nations, Métis and Inuit communities creating training and innovative solutions that are accessible, empowering and inclusive. Christine specializes in solutions that are customizable, flexible and mobile – with a keen understanding that delivering in-community initiatives removes the common barrier for rural clients who are unable to travel to metropolitan centers.

Christine has and continues to serve on several Boards, Committees and Groups that promote inclusive cultures, some of which include her serving as Co-Chair for the Indigenous Works' Linkages Project, Steering Committee in Alberta, being selected to be part of the inaugural Strategic Management Committee during her time at NorQuest College, is currently a mentor with interVivos, and a Business Coach for the Action for Healthy Communities I.M.P.A.C.T. Employment & Entrepreneurship initiative.

Christine earned her Honours BA degree in Sociology at York University,  is fluent in both English & French, has more than 15 years of experience in various corporate roles, she is a content creator and social media influencer committed to overall wellness, and is just as fierce on a spin bike as she is in the boardroom.

Social Channels

Instagram: @thefabcollective

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/channer-consulting-training/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/christine-c-5820365b/

Website: www.thechannergroup.com

 

Juli Wenger:

You're on this earth for a purpose. You want to live a life that matters. So let's get through the fear and the overwhelm and all the crap that gets in the way of you living the life of fear for this is the becoming ourselves podcast where we are fired up about you getting clear on who you are, what you're called to, and how to get there. Because the world is waiting for you to show up and own your power. I'm your host, Juli Wenger, a coach, a speaker, a Jesus lover in Enneagram, two and a tree shaker. Let's dive into what's keeping you stuck. Because on the other side is a light that's fired up the film. I have been looking forward to this podcast for probably I don't know how long has it been since the Y BB event two months?

Unknown:

Yeah,

Juli Wenger:

yeah. Today, we are joined by fab chatter also known as Christine but we're we're going fab. By because she is yes, I need I need a nickname like this. Y'all need to think of a nickname for me. Anyway, we're going to just talk about randomness and things because those are the best episodes. I feel like it should be Friday afternoon. Not Monday morning or afternoon. I don't even know what time it is. But I am impressed anyway, this this week.

Unknown:

It feels like it's yeah, it's almost Christmas. That's all it matters.

Juli Wenger:

I can't believe it. And it is a cold snap. I was thinking about this this morning. You know how people do those posts of tell me you live somewhere without telling me you live somewhere. It's like my feet hurt when I put socks on this morning because it's so dry. Yeah, that's how

Unknown:

I my there's lotion and potions and hydrosols in the diffuser. I have a spray bottle my plants. None of us are gonna save us. I get an always when the cold comes in. I'm like, Yep, there we go. I'm just yeah, like,

Juli Wenger:

why do we live where the air hurt lies?

Unknown:

Honestly,

Juli Wenger:

okay. I was like, Well, I mean, you could move, but I do kind of love things about here. So anyway, okay, here's where we're going to go. Because yeah, I love to talk about all things identity. And with identity, one of the things that has been really potent in my journey, the last, let's say, two to three years. I figuring out who I am. And what I'm here for. And living that purpose. And stepping into that assignment has been understanding that who I am one place is who I am every place that there is not a separation of work, Julie, an entrepreneur, Julie, and mom, Julie and wife, Julie. And just by myself, Julie, and you know, all these pieces? Yeah, they're just boxes, they're places we put our time and our energy. And here's where I'm curious. We want to just lean in and give people a little bit of a feel for you for who's fab is, who are you? Wow, how much time do you have? I mean, we'll see. We'll see what happens here. I don't like just talk to me. But yeah, have you discovered yourself to be that bridges all the spaces?

Unknown:

For me? That's such a good question. And it kind of dovetails off of what I talked about at the Ypp event, right, like, authenticity and identity they live together, right? And oh, I love this question my hearts like Yes. Because identity is something that we all struggle with. And again, it's not to not give love to our brothers out there. But women really struggle with it because it is very woven into the fabric that is let's just deal with Western civilization. It's everywhere. But let's let's deal with where we live and work. And having to be different people can be exhausting. And I think, you know, from my own experience, and from living it and seeing it, you know, there's a point in my life where imposter syndrome and just kind of washing away who I was was part of survival. And in order to trying to be seen and just realizing they're still not going to see me they're only going to see the color of my skin or they're only going to make those assumptions. And now as I get older and I think you know sometimes we're afraid of aging, but with aging comes this amazing wisdom and this I don't give an F mentality or at least the goal or what I've been told by others who have crossed into these decades and for me, I agree with you like I've really worked on the source and the source of who I am. Because everything every role that I play, whether it be entrepreneur, wife, sister, auntie, friend, whomever has to is coming from that same source. So the more I know who I am, the more I can be that to everyone. And of course, it's going to pivot. So with that, who I am, I am legally Christine chatter, chatter August technically, but of course, many people know me as fab and the inter webs of life. Fab became my name when I moved to Alberta almost 10 years ago, because that was, that's my twitter name, fab chatter. And that's how I met all my friends. A lot of my friends, I met on Twitter, and then through the food and hospitality scene. And I'm just a girl who likes to talk and likes to I love peopling I love people, I hate crowds. And what I mean by that, because people like, Oh, we don't really want to. And so like I love the you know, I took sociology for a reason. I love to understand people and why we relate the way we do and why we behave. I love understanding behavior. But I don't like crowds, crowds give me anxiety, I love the intimacy of relationships, and all relationships give. But I don't love the uncontrol of crowds. So like, you'll always find me at a table, having dinner with someone, or on the phone, or sending voice notes. And just like talking and sharing and relating, I do love that that is something that I really embrace because for a good part of my career before I go when on my own, it'd be something that I would silence like literally and figuratively about myself. So again, I just love the business of people and and who we are and why we are the way we are and understanding people so that I can better serve in that role from who I am. And also figuring out alignment. You know, the older I get, it's like not there are people here for a season. There's people are here for a lifetime. And that's a hard, okay,

Juli Wenger:

I get that. Because also super relationally driven over here. And I have been thinking about this, even just in this season, right and leaning into 2022. We were talking about this on the podcast last week, specifically about a spirit of validation and needing affirmation all the time, which is my growth curve over here as a recovering people pleaser. But thinking about how there are people in their relationships that are not meant to come with us into our next season. But sometimes it's so hard to let them go. And I just like I've heard this person in my life, say something to the effect of we decide we're so loyal, and dependable sometimes that we hold on to relationships that we really should be letting go of. And just, you know, when people say things, you're like, oh, just hit me over the head with a bat and you didn't even intend it. For me. That was one of those moments.

Unknown:

Ah yeah, I love hate those moments. I've had many of those with my therapist where I just look at her. I'm like, Okay, I'm like, next question, please. This is uncomfortable. But it's so true. Like, and as someone who I'm, I always say I'm a lover, not a fighter, like I love love and all the things that love brings. And I remember being in friendships where I've literally been accused of becoming friends with them too quickly and not literally understanding what that meant. I'm like what, like, I just want to love you.

Juli Wenger:

Got it, I get

Unknown:

it. Yeah, the the bus ride of life, there's going to be people who are on the bus with you the whole time when you go over the speed bumps when you go into when you get a flat tire all of it. But understanding that we are going to hold on sometimes to relationships and whatever the relationship looks like that are not serving us but it's part of our survival is part of what we know it's but change is the opposite of that. So we'll be holding on for dear life like hands bleeding, you know, white knuckles just like a and exhausted from holding on to it. But just feel like I have to I have to I have to. And then the second we let go, we wonder why things feel easier. And again, I read this really great quote from Tupac. Oh my god, I'm going to I need to find it because I don't want to paraphrase it. It's basically just because I don't want you to eat at the dinner table doesn't mean I don't want you to eat. I just means I don't want to see together. And I'm like,

Juli Wenger:

Oh, it's so

Unknown:

true. Because again, we live in this polar wasn't world was like okay if we're not friends we can't be friends I hate you I wish the worst for you know that is this a heavy lesson and self awareness and understanding. This is no longer working. But it doesn't mean that we can't be cordial and polite. I want you to eat, I want you to have success. We're just not going to create the success this goal together anyway. Either. Yes. And that's where the growth happens. Yeah, well, boundaries, I was gonna say their boundaries is my favorite word for the past three years, and I'm just holding on to it. And I'm like, Yes. And I have to like I have boundaries written in my office. Because boundaries are in fringed every day, if you allow them, and we are in charge of setting the boundaries and keeping the boundaries. And then the more you have them, you'll realize the people that want to help you thrive and are flowing with you and on the bus. It won't be hum, it might be an adjustment period. But they'll they'll adjust quite quickly. Because it's not about them. It's about you. Even saying that I'm like, Oh, who am I? Who am I now, thing is about me what? Cuz everything's always about everyone else. And listen, I still I absolutely love doing and serving, like it's what I do in my business. But I was finding that I was pushing all the all of like the little Christine that's like I want some of that love, I want some of that attention. I was pushing that away from her and just giving it 100%. So that's why I would hold on so tightly to these relationships that didn't serve me because that was my validation. That was how I felt good. But I was ignoring the part of me that needed that love the part of me that needs to be seen held and all that good stuff, right? So I'm like, Oh, you can be here and I can be here and I can have both and it doesn't have to be one of the other holy shit, what a what a concept. Wow, so wild, it's wild. Aging is great people, I'm telling you highly recommend aging, because all the wisdom comes

Juli Wenger:

full circle back to authenticity. Because here's one of my favorite, favorite favorite things I say to people all the time is your power lies in your authenticity. So us being able to stand in our power and show up in our world, we live our purpose and have that kind of life requires us to be us, like all of us are too much notice us our F and not enoughness story us. So tell me about tell me about taking the masks off and journeys to authenticity.

Unknown:

Hmm, it's tough. Um, the journey to authenticity starts and ends wherever we want it to but with us, and it says, you know, in principle, it sounds easy. But it's not, you know, like, doing that introspective, really deep internal work, is how you're going to get and here's the thing, it's lifetime work. You know, we have that our authentic kind of foundation. But then the more we kind of I always look at it as kind of like, for me at least it's like that authentic because people always say who am I? Who am I becoming we're becoming who we always were. It's just how much you have piled, I always say I had leaves, I had in a box covered by leaves covered by gravel covered by sand, like every season just on top of it. So over the years I've just been working on moving on with each layer, I reveal more and more of who I truly am. And when you know, you're chill, you're like, you just feel that alignment. You just feel that place you're like, huh, like it's such a feeling that's so hard to describe. And for me, it takes having very hard conversations with myself. And myself, myself, myself and with others who are closest to me, and asking for feedback and recognizing the things that I was doing at a survival or automatic or this is the way it has been. And ask myself, where did that come from? Did that come from me? Or did that come from someone else? And oftentimes, there are things that are coming from other people. You know, for me, I experience a lot of trauma. So how I showed up, meant that I had to shut down me and show up as this, right. So now it's like, okay, and but then even in that journey, it's still loving throughout all of it. Because when I first was doing the trauma work, I was like, Ah, well, I'm now mad at myself for not being myself. What and it's the web that we weave. So it's like, you know, I honor who I chose to become because that was me surviving. That was me doing something to literally survive, but I can slowly it's not like I shut it down right away. I didn't close the book right away because that's too jarring. And it didn't happen overnight. It's literally honoring what was and just coming back to who I am and just coming back to yourself and it takes holy crap it takes so much work and so there's gonna be tears there's gonna be jubilation. There's gonna be like, ah, because you'll also notice like you said the That's when you'll really start to see certain aspects and certain things that always have been are going to fall off. Because the more you become yourself, the more you're going to put those boundaries in, so that you can protect that new Ness about it. And those that are not used to the boundaries, they're not going to like it very much, because and you'll also see that there are people that benefited from the broken side of you. And that's a hard realization to come to, because and you need to be able to grieve that, right? So it is for me, it's just constantly showing up even when it's uncomfortable. Most of most of it is, most of it is, but you have to get to the uncomfortable to get to that destination oftentimes. And it's just and it's uncomfortable, because it's new, because it's something different. And it's no every day, I'm like, Okay, I want to show up 1% better, I want to show up better for myself. And again, continuing to put myself at the center of my story. Versus before I wasn't even in my own story. Everyone else was story. And again, I I can still love everyone else and do and hold space for them. But what about me, so hold like authenticity is literally holding space for yourself and like a real, real into even if it's like five minutes to start with, and just see and recognize what's there. And it's like, and then you start asking, you know, hopefully they're asking for help to pack it. Like, I can't unpack all this by myself. So me, my therapist, we're besties man, like seven years strong. And it's like, I'm becoming more and more of who I always have felt I am. But I've hid and just covered and protected. And again, that's it, you know, it's a different way of looking at instead of, you know, yeah, I hit but I was also protecting that side, because it you know, things happen to that part of me that I'm like, I never want that to happen again. So I'm gonna protect you from everything and everyone. So it's just that level of understanding, even as I talk.

Juli Wenger:

There's so many themes here that, like we could do a whole series on just the things that we've already been talking about. Because there's I've actually been thinking about the discomfort and how it is. It's the discomfort, the flags for us that we're not just doing surface stuff that isn't actually going to change anything. But when you talk about, I can't do this by myself. It's because we see everything through a particular way of thinking we see it through our existing lens. And it's really tough for us to change how we are behaving and feeling with the same thinking that put us there in the first place. And at the same time, like I'm just going to run through a few of the things I got notes, okay, girl, I got notes like talking about this, and this and this and this. But okay, the the people getting upset with UPS. I've been talking with a lot of people about this lately, because when we change, we break the existing social contract. Right? Like, that's just the long and short of it. And then we get pissed at other people for being upset with us or not catching up or not accepting it or not, you know, just like, oh, yeah, this is great, because they haven't had time to process it. And they didn't pick it. And so like, their ego is going nope, change don't like this, let's fight this. Meanwhile, we've had the opportunity to already go to battle with our own ego, who has its attachments to our ways of thinking and its attachments to all of those layers, like leaves in boxes and things that we're trying to get through. And it's like, we've got to give people a chance to adjust and to catch up. And sometimes, sometimes they won't, that's okay. But the what I love about this piece of you talking about moving through trauma and all of these things that you've wrapped around yourself that ultimately hid who you really are like, this is the becoming ourselves journey, right? It's not becoming somebody new. Yeah, getting back to who we never at our core. And I mean, we talk about this a lot on the podcast, so I'm like, just you know, thumping the same thing I always do but it's this little US has no context for how to say stay safe and get our needs met. So we just like try things and something words don't know and then we attach to it and more and it sounds like you and I are actually a lot alike because it's just like oh nurturing people works and then I get love back cool. I'm gonna double down on this nurturing thing. It just like give give, give, give, give, give. Just want to give I get enough validation back So I'm just going to do that exam and nothing is ever about us because it can't be or we don't get our needs met.

Unknown:

A little bit. Yeah, it can't be because I'm like, that was like, oh my god, I'm selfish or even like, so my natural path. I feel like I have two therapists because my there's like my therapist, my psychologist, when my naturopath takes the mental health approach. And she's like, when's the last time you received allow yourself to receive? And I like, click receive answer. And I was like, next question. I'm, like, receive, Who the hell's receiving? Receive what? And again, I realized I wasn't even, I couldn't even receive, like, if I if she would offer a comment or anyone, my automatic like, No, you are, cuz I'm blocking it, because that's not part of that's not part of it. You know, that's selfish, that's cocky, that's self centered. That's not nurturing. That's the all of the stories and I'm like, receive, yeah, how dare you. Like, I'm not supposed to receive my whole job here is to take care of you, and all of these other things. So it is such a like, I just started to realize and to, you know, to add to what you said, like, we have that survival. And until we literally pause and look at it, we don't know when to stop. So again, when we were children, we literally, like mentally and physically, like we could not get like the things that we can conceptualize as adults, we couldn't do it as children. That's where we're children, right. And we're also in that period, like from zero to seven, we're most influenced. So again, that's why it's so hard to do this work, because we're unpacking hardwired things. I love the word dendrites. I've learned about dendrites and brains and all these other things and how these thoughts and behaviors become actual things in our brains. Because I'm like, Why do I feel like I'm losing it? And why is it so hard because it's an actual, it's actual matter in our brain, like, Carolyn leap is is one of the authors that I follow. She or I breed her, I've read all the books, like half of them are here. And she's a neuroscientist. And because I like to understand the nitty gritty, I understand the spiritual element, but I'll write scientifically like, oh, magic happens, right? And when you realize that this is an actual, like, his actual mat in your brain, you're like, Okay, I can give myself some grace. But even the concept of grace, I would never, it's just like, if I didn't get it done, if I wasn't making someone feel great, I screwed up me, me, me, all my fault, I hold their pain, and I hold my pain, but I hide my pain, and I will do anything, so you don't feel that pain. And I'm like, this sucks. So the part of me inside was like, hey, down here, like, This really hurts. But I would just I would shoot me muffled. And then the more possible, like she would be speaking but never be heard. And that is like an epitome of how my life is felt. And when I get triggered, I'm like, oh, where's this coming from? So it's like, it is hard work. But like when you unpack it, you start to again, if we were having this conversation five years ago, seven years ago, neither of us I, the awareness was not there. So I couldn't speak about it, right. But there is always this lit. Like, at one point, it was a little Ember now. It's a roaring flame. But this little Ember was always there. And I think like our truest selves are always there. And when you think about the language that we use, the society, the society and the societal pressures that are put on us as well, doesn't help. That's this another pile of leaves on top of this box that we've hidden, of who we are, because how many times we here new year new me new me this, this is my newest self, or like the foreign authors where we are shaming our before and oh my god, I love this new mean, there's nothing new about it. You are not new. You are we are coming into yourselves, hopefully. But you are not new, because that is automatically assigning shame, to a part of you that served a purpose. The ego is a is a powerful drug, as I say, because it does serve a purpose. But we live in a very egoic where our egos are on like 100 all time. So that's where it gets a little messy. But it's like it serves its purpose. But so again, it's to honor that part and not be like oh, the the old me was disgusting and deplorable. Now, this is not how it works. Because you're there's no reason it's all you. And then people wonder why they? Well, that's why people fall off bandwagons or plateau or whatever you want to call it. And I'm not just talking about weight loss talking about in life. Are we getting these stuck places because we're constantly fighting this perception of a new us stop

Juli Wenger:

having this conversation right before our new year because like I will try right about a year probably for the remainder of my life. There is no reset by And January 1, yeah. And it's not like oh, well, you know, if I move somewhere if I make some big shift that know where you go, there you are, like full stop all your patterns, all of your behavioral background trauma stories, narrative, everything. There it is.

Unknown:

Mm hmm. Absolutely. The other side is like, I always tell people, there is something to be said that, you know, the more you come into yourself, will new opportunities present themselves? Yes. Will new lessons come in? Of course, well, new ways of doing things, though, that's so great pile for new, but you are you, period, you know, I mean, and you are just either moving further away from who you are, your authentic self, for whatever reason, no judgment, or you're coming more and more into yourself. And to that point, like, again, I've always been that person. I'm this weirdo where I just chase wisdom. I really respect and honor I was raised this way. But elders are teachers, and it would be a blessing if I can get there. I would love you know, we live in this world anti aging, I love aging, I like to age, by age, how I age is a different story, right. And I read those things of you know, what people the biggest regret people have when they're dying. And there is, it's always usually the same recipe and same sauce. And I can appreciate that with every new decade, or every new season. It's not a new you, there's new teachings. And again, we have to separate the two, you know, a lot of women, you know, they say like in their 40s, that is a whole new decade to embrace. I remember when I turned 30, I'm like, I'm actually looking forward to 40. And then 50s People like 50s, my mom, like anyone in that car, she's past her 50s. Now she's like 50s are golden. Because again, there's just like, you just come way, way more into yourself. And I remember saying in my 20s, I want to get that. I don't mean to get done in a specific time. But I want to get that before 50. And, and then when I put that out there, little did I realize how like, energetically what that was going to attract. And when I was going through things, I'm like, oh, okay, this is happening. I would always say this is happening for me, not to me, for me, not to me, because it's heavy. And to unpack that stuff. That's a lot of heavy lifting. That's a lot of like, you know, when we think about it on a physiological level, like to what was it for now, they always say a habit takes 21 days, it actually takes 63. Because after 21, it's there, but it needs enough energy to thrive and to live in this new environment. So we are literally doing this work. And it's hard because look at all the distractions we have look at the messages that are constantly being bombarded. And those temptations to go back to comfort and I say comfortable in Arab brackets, because there's nothing comfortable about it is we've just learned to make it comfortable and uncomfortable. Right? So it's like, I always tell people don't be afraid of the work. Yeah, it's gonna be scary. Yeah, it's not gonna be like that's why it's, but it's like, who is the best person to work on Oh, myself, myself. And things will start to change around you, and you'll start to attract the newness that's going to happen is not a new, you it's new, the newness will be in your environment, right? And in your habits, but it will be at the core will be you and who you are and who you want to be and what you want to attract and what how you want to be in this world and serve and show up and all this other good stuff. So some good work and is

Juli Wenger:

not highly recommend. But like being on I don't even want to say the other side. Because it is lifelong work. The identity stuff, the purpose stuff, the getting the ego and the sovereign patterns out of the way. All of that is there's no end date on that. And, you know, from especially from a faith perspective, I think that, you know, the more the more that I show up and I do the work, the more that God's going to give me to work on to do to go, you know, build, like, it doesn't end, the uplevel doesn't end. And our capacity is not capped by anything more than our willingness to show up and do the work and be available to it. But people like they get caught up in that Western society standard narrative that's like, oh, you go do the growth work and it'll be amazing. It's like, okay, it is amazing. Like, I'm on the other side of doing a bunch of the work and there's so much that's amazing about it. And there's so much that like also, you know, was it sucked, frankly, it sucked and it was scary and it was hard and the Here's where I'm curious is what pulls you through. Because what I found, and this probably leverages a bit of my wiring where I'm also one of those like everybody else, but I've realized that our purpose is not about us. So my fear and stepping through no my own growth and my own discomfort and changes and shifts and career stuff. And all of that has been very backstopped by this bigger picture of the purpose. It's like, it's not about you, though, Julie, it's about all those people. So what pulls fab through when things feel particularly sticky? Whoa, that's,

Unknown:

that's a good one, honey, oh, man, okay, how do I want to slice this pie. So I will, the first thing that comes up, because I'm a very spiritual person, have been and that has pulled me through everything, period, I am so grateful that again, God, I know, for some people, terms universe, whatever spiritual element you believe, for me, it is God and Jesus, that has pulled me through a lot. And I can honestly say, had I not had that foundation for my child, because we had a really, really rough trauma was early and trauma was intense. And if I didn't have that I do I can say, without a shadow, I would not be here because I tried to take my own life twice. And there was just like that, or I get well, one of them was the planning process. Because even in those moments, I'm still planning it. Everything's a plan, so at planning so that it's the least amount of work and and heartache for someone else. And for me, so that's the first thing. And when you talk about purpose, that is something that I just was talking to my husband about yesterday, I talked about this openly, I was raised in a very strict, strict, strict Brethren Church, and I had to redefine my relationship spiritually with God and higher being and higher power. Because I realized and Carolyn Leafa, she talks about this a lot. You know, the split between prosperity, gospel and prosperity, but we can even call prosperity port posts, you know, the people is just like, everything is great, just do the work. It's all great on the other side, and same with prosperity, gospel, prosperity, preaching, but also the fear of shame and condemnation. And I lived not in the prosperity I live in the fear of shame and condemnation, which is a really hard place to be, especially if you're trying to see because fear, shame and condemnation, there's no light in that there's, that is just a tunnel with no light. So I really, really struggle with that. And that, and I'm not saying that, you know, a higher power kept me in that place. It was that belief system. So I had to really unpack that for myself, because of course, whatever religious, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, whatever it is, a lot of people it is part of who they are from a child. So I felt like I was betraying like, my family line of, you know, this is almost like Dutch Orthodox, like I, we, I love my Dutch family. But there was some things that just did not my little baby instincts are like, this doesn't feel like love which any higher power, regardless of who you believe it is, love, its foundation, right? And I'm like, This doesn't feel like love, especially love of myself. So it's a really unpack that. And then to get through purpose, I remember having that feeling where it's like, realizing our purpose are all tied into one another. So like, when I was driving back from when the communities I serve, I was working in urban skin all last week, and literally driving home and just smiling. And not because a big cheque was written but because I can start to feel and see shifts happening, I can start to see how you know, from that spirit, and from that energy, like it is changing me, it is really changing me. That is not why I am there. I'm there to serve, and I'm there to help build capacity in these communities. But we are all so interconnected. And I feel like in our Western society, we've become so separated from each other. And so siloed and again, I know it sounds like a contradiction because I'm saying focus on yourself. But we are over focused on ourselves. It is such a juxtaposition while being the same it's so hard to describe because we are so egoic versus remembering you know how many people even think about their purpose right and again, knowing that when I think about some of the the the saving graces moments my life where literally there's no way for me to describe a but God like literally there's no way to describe it. It was it was someone else that came in. And for instance, when I remember we went to Food City, I don't know if they had foods out in Alberta. It's like IgA, maybe They have I do here are Sobeys I mean, we did not have a car we did not have a lot of money this for debit cards were a thing my mom sent me and my sister to the store I was under 10 went to the store, remember in like home alone when he's grocery shopping, that always resonates with me because I literally have done that. And I've always thought as an adult, because when I was a kid, I'm like I have to be I have to be an adult because you know, I have this responsibility to take care of my sister. And we are at the grocery store. I will never forget this moment. And I had bought a pepper, a red pepper, like I wasn't buying bulk. I was buying one because you had to be meticulous my mom gave me like $20. And to buy milk to buy a pepper, I bought five things. And I get to the to go and pay for it. And of course, I'm lying and say my mom's outside. And I look at the toe, my heart like literally feels like it's gonna stop because it's like $22 I have $20 my hand. So now my head, I'm thinking, Okay, what do I have to remove, and there's a man, I suddenly know what it looks like, because I was so mortified, knowing you're so embarrassing, cannot even look left to right, up and down the like it just dead forward. My sister's young, so I'm like, I have to take care of her. I don't want her to be embarrassed. So I'm now owning all of her shame, not because she's asking, but that's the mother and me. And it's like this very strong voice from behind because I'm a child. So anyone that's not Oh, sounds like a strong voice of Jesus. And he puts money down and he's just like, don't even worry about and I go to turn around, and I'm like shaking, I'm so embarrassed. And I go to give him my 20. And he pushes my hand ways like don't worry, sweetheart. And I was like sobbing, just sobbing. And in moments like that. And again, it's a small example. And those have happened in my life many, many times. That is His purpose, benefiting me, literally in that moment. And it's just like, if we remember that that is like we all have a purpose. I believe that everyone is put on this earth for a purpose. And when you think about the good that happens, usually good that's happening is because of someone else. If you actually think about it, we have done the work. But then when these opportunities fine when someone refers me to someone, I didn't say, hey, well, I'm referring you, to me, like someone has made an effort to think about me to refer because they think there's a fit, like we are all connected. So it's like when you think of it in that way. It's like it is such a beautiful gifts that we have available to us, if we would just hold it and keep it. And I understand even when you know, I have done, I have I don't want to say overserved I have given my heart to many, many people in a non intimate way. But in a one intimate in a friendship way not in like a loving my way with my husband. And the scary part is that the people that we love and that are closest to us have the biggest capacity to hurt us. And it sucks. When you give that and you pour into them and you see their potential and you want to help make that happen. And you believe that people are honest and have integrity. It really sucks when they don't. But that is their journey and their story. And I really, really struggled because again, to your point at the beginning the validation point. How come they don't love me I did all this. I showed them this I did everything they needed i They longed for nothing. I just want their love. I

Juli Wenger:

want to say how much I've done for them. Exactly.

Unknown:

So that was a hard one. And I'd be lying to say if that doesn't come up sometimes. I'm like, and I know I can literally see it. I'm like okay, there's trigger. Okay, we're gonna sit with us yelling

Juli Wenger:

Hey, ego, I see you. I see that pattern.

Unknown:

Yeah, exactly. So for me, like at its core, like my spirituality and my connection to a higher being has been a very big guiding force, especially in times when man cannot answer questions for me. But then, of course, like just continuing to hold on to that tiny little Ember, this the smallest little Ember and then watching it grow. Because the more you more you you feed that fire, it will grow. You just have to have a I think from patients as a problem,

Juli Wenger:

that faith perspective. You know, our timing and his timing are often not the same. And when we're running around achiever tight, no, it can be a little like, what are we waiting for? What are we waiting for? When's it when's it gonna happen? But there was one thing as you're talking about trying to reconcile the being for you, and also being for other people, and this, I have struggled with this too. And it was actually a few months ago in an Enneagram training course I was taking, we were talking about humility, because Humility is the we call it the virtue of my type structure. So each of these different nine types have a Different dominant virtue, Melody, like, Ah, right, because that sounds like timid to me, right? Like, I'm not doing timid. We're not we're not having that. But here's what I discovered, though is that humility is an ability to be for other people without needing something back. And the only way for me to be for other people, without needing something back is for me to show up for me enough first, that I am operating from a place of fullness and wholeness. And for me, it's also very much connection with Jesus. Right? Like, if I am aligned with him, he fills me right up and I am operating from overflow. There's like, I don't need anything from the rest of y'all, because I'm good. I don't have room. Oh, my God. Yeah, here have some more. You know, I got it. Yeah, exactly.

Unknown:

runneth over honey, is running over. Mm hmm. And that like that just hit me square in the chest, like, these are the themes I've been in a pandemic, that I've reminded myself because the favor and the fullness again, we all have things happen to each and every one of us, I don't care who you are. And oftentimes, that's where that codependency of like, for me, it was a mothering, taking care of holding everyone's pain, shielding them protecting what at its core, that is a beautiful attribute, I get it. But when it's overdone, and when it's overworked. And when it's on the scale of one to 10, it's living at like a 12, not healthy, not serving, and that can really put a strain on relationships, because it's unhealthy. And to your like, again, as you said, it's like coming from such a secure place of who you are, and what you need, and who you need it from, or what you need it from will help you in those moments. Because again, it's not the what's in it for me, yes, you know, we get rewards in different ways. But it's such a different energy. And as my as my trompe was such a different flex, when you are doing it from that literally place of peace, that place of fullness, that place of gratitude. And I always, gratitude is like a big buzzword right now. But true gratitude and knowing it's going to be okay. And I can still, you know, oftentimes who will have said to me I think I said on the YPB where people like why you helping them, they're referring to the majority of the population that I serve in my business is the indigenous a First Nation Matey, and anyone communities, vert, like saying why you helping them don't give you enough of your issues? And I'm like, and I think that that's from all the time it's like we are so like, what about me? What about me that we don't want to look at them, we don't, when I say them, them as a collective. We don't want to help and love our neighbor, we don't want to extend a helping hand. Because if I give them a piece of cake, that's a piece of cake I don't have. That's not true. That is so limited. That is that is again, that's not what we're talking about. Again, when I know that my cup is full, I'm more than happy to share more than happy to share. Because I would want an I've been in so many situations where people did not take that posture with my family, we wouldn't have made it, we would not have made it where people have literally welcomed us with open arms. And I'm like, huh, like this couldn't be real. And now I see the full circle with me as an adult, where I'm able to give back like, there's so much people say it oftentimes, like when we are serving and giving it is a feeling you cannot buy No money can buy it. And I'm not gonna pretend that money doesn't make the world go round and we live off my hopes and dreams and pay my bill off of like rainbows. I'm not saying that either. But it's where your focus lies. And it's, I wish that we could all come to a place of just like that peace, like that real peace that transcends all understanding. Right? And it's just it's such an just because you have it doesn't mean you're not going to trigger it doesn't mean you're you're not going to get robbed, you know, oftentimes our reward for getting through one, you know, yep, trauma or one lesson is another one. It's like well, yeah, level up level up. I'm like, Oh, this is exhausting. But it's also so rewarding. It's so rewarding because then you insights and like, I never thought when I moved to Edmonton, like the the hardest lessons have been not like the the greatest lessons have all honestly been on the on the heels of the hardest lessons like facts, facts, and the reason they became lessons and not default back to the reverting to the old is because I'm like okay, what is this here to show me? That's such a hard question to ask in the middle. So I started with COVID. I'm like, once we realized this wasn't going to be a two week pandemic, as we were told her epidemic at the time, two week epidemic, and we realized that this was going to be around for a while, like, I had to take a breath because there was grief that we had to experience. Like, I can't see my this, I can't do this. I can't do that. So I allowed myself to grieve. And then I sat with him. I'm like, Okay, what is showing up? Let's look at it. And let's address it. And just managing what I could and do and adapting and pivoting, as we've all heard, and just flowing that way. So I never want to make this that prosperity gospel like, if you do this all will be given to you all the time, and you'll never have to work again. Oh, please stop it. Because I don't know what's worse. The fear, shame and condemnation of the prosperity? Yeah, both not right. Yeah, yeah, you need the middle, the gap in between the two, right?

Juli Wenger:

I think we just have to get back to relationship. Right, right. That's been so much in this pandemic, what he's been working on me in, because I grew up in church too. And it was very, like, you know, turn or burn. And it's been this learning to just check in and in the morning and get into the office, I'm like, alright, what are we doing today? You know, and that is such a shift from this hands closed. Control Freak, I've got to go prove myself everyday thing. And more that ties back to for me is when we're looking for validation. And we're looking for affirmation outside of ourselves. All of that is like a temporary hit. It's like an addiction, and then it wears off. And then we have to go and perform our way into more achieving more validation, more affirmation, more hits, versus being in a space where this is where like, I love this faith relationship, where I can just like hear him saying, I thought you just show up and let me do the work. You're good. You're good? Like, what are we doing it nothing, just tap the brakes, take a breath.

Unknown:

And that was for me, I was talking to my hubby about it. I'm like my greatest. I personally haven't done recreational drugs. I'm way too much of a chicken. But the numbing and the attend my addiction of choice was again, I don't like attention in the sense where I get to dress up and have that attention. My addiction of choice was the attention through validation. Through Do you see the love I pour into you? Do you see like, tell me how good that makes you feel? That type of attention. That type of validation. And again, like you said, you constantly and when someone doesn't do that for you get I'm looking outside of myself for my happiness. And it's, that's why it always feels like a roller coaster ride. Because it's exhausting. Because, and again, when you say control freak, I'm a recovering control freak, too. And I realize that, you know, that comes from when you grow up with trauma, when things are out of control. Of course, your survival is to now control everything. But again, I can't control people, which I've lived my life trying to control people. So now you layer that into it, where it's like, Well, surely, they're going to do this, because I poured all this love into them. And when they don't do it, you feel like you're it's exhausting. It is so exhausting. And finally, it's just like cut that you don't cut the person you cut that, you know habit because it's not ever going to give you the result you're looking for that has to come from event period. And, you know, that's where you know what our addictions, right? It's to fill a void. And we're trying to fill a void with things that are outside of ourselves. And I have a deep amount of empathy and understanding for those who struggle with addictions. And addictions are not just drugs or alcohol addictions look very different for very pro a lot of people. And it's just like we are all what do we want, we want to be loved, we want to be seen, we want to be understood. But that should be that should start with ourselves, we should want to love ourselves, to see ourselves, see ourselves and really trying to understand ourselves. And then it's so much different when we require that and want

Juli Wenger:

them than we have it to give I remember reading Brene Brown, I think it was in the gifts of imperfect parenting. And she was talking about if we don't love ourselves, like our ability to love others will never exceed our ability to love ourselves. Our ability to belong will never exceed our ability to belong to ourselves. And I was like, oh, man, and it's like, the more I do on me, the more compassion I can have with me the more empathy I can have with me, the more capacity I have for other people. And then the more capacity I have to just hold space and without the carrying right because I've learned that me taking on their pain isn't actually taking on their pain. It's not helpful. It's duplication and often Rob's other people have their own experiences. But you know, I'm even just thinking about is talking about addiction. Have you read Jesse thistles book, from the ashes, it's so good. He went through a journey of homelessness and addiction and he is made a phenomenal recovery and now is doing like speaking and writing and teaching work. And he is a he's, I forget which I think he's made tea. I think he's made tea and his family of origin is from Saskatchewan. That book rocked my whole world, because also have never done the recreational drug thing and grew up, you know, like, I'm a middle class privileged white girl, I will just call a spade a spade. And reading about his journey was like, I could just sit there and cry, I did not put that book down. Okay, it was just, you know, but we have the capacity when we do our work to actually then pay attention and opt in for other people, whether it's entire causes, or it's just people that show up in our life. Right? Like, God may be saying, hey, go be a voice for you know, and with movement, he might be saying go and be compassion to your neighbor, go, you know, call a friend who haven't checked in with for a while, like, there can be all sorts of angles on that. But I think we have to work on expanding our own personal capacity. So that then we can be used for purpose.

Unknown:

Unless they were like, we're, I was teaching about this last week emotional intelligence, right? Like, the more we know about ourselves and have that level warned us were able to have more empathy, more understanding and want to lean into, we've leaned and continue to lean into our own discomfort and pain. But then again, as you said, open our eyes and our hearts to others, and how we can you know, the things that I speak about, it's never from a place of judgment. It's a place of understanding because I've walked through similar not identical, I've walked through similar, I'll never be like, oh, yeah, I know the exact same. We're basically saying no, I can completely relate and hold space for that. And even if I've not walked through it, I know what it means to have my heart broken by friends, lovers, whoever. So again, the more we have that high level of understanding it is to pour not just into our own glass, but then into others. How do we most some of the best teachers are those who have walked this journey and walked this path because they can understand it, they can see it, they can, you know, they can feel it in their body because trauma doesn't ever leave. Like you just learn how to hold it differently. Right? So it is such like life has these beautiful beautiful gifts, even and you know, there's a song by Frou Frou I always say beauty in the breakdown because there is really beauty in that breakdown. And it's dropping our guards, our guards are going to be up if we're constantly triggered if we're constantly like in that fragile state, you know, and that high, high, high, high ego state. But if we're able to just kind of lay down our swords, and listen like something as simple as listening to understand rather than to respond. Again, it's all tying into emotional awareness. But it all starts with ourselves. And you know that I love social media. That's how I mean, that's how I literally met people in Alberta. I knew no one but my husband. But social media, I always tell people you have to go in with some self awareness because it can be obviously triggering, and really lead us into some prosperity, yeah, posts where it doesn't give you the rest of the story. You know, Instagrams and the Twitter's of the world they're somewhat fabricated.

Juli Wenger:

Funny that you mentioned that. Last week I sold my only people show them off real estate company brand. And as part of that, I passed off the Instagram handle. And so I went scrolling through 10 years of posts looking for like pictures of my kids and stuff, right? And then like, people are not going to go back all the time. Yours are not clearing all of it. But it was so highlight reel, like it wasn't my personal account. It's just like, you know, here's a house for sale and here's happy clients and here's, you know, team out for lunch or whatever. And I was nostalgic about a career that I left I was like, Thank God I'm out. Right like I missed this 0% And I'm sitting there like, oh my gosh, look how perfect it was. It was not effect, it was my own life and I still had that lens.

Unknown:

But this is saying it's and I understand we do it and you know, the social connection and wanting to believe I love Disney, just like the next person and that part of our brains, I get it. But we just have to know that not everything is as it seems, for a reason. And just kind of like, but in the same breath, because what's one of the most addictive things that we do as adults and humans judging? So, you know, we love to judge so again, that emotional intelligence doesn't have us judge, it doesn't have us want to be like them. It just has us being we're just being like, what a simple concept. And again, the simplest concepts are usually the hardest things to do. Every time I met therapists, I'm like, it sounds so easy when you say it. But then it's the work you put behind. Oh my god. Yeah. But again, it truly is simple in nature. It truly is nature, like actual nature does it, we can learn a lot from it. I look at my backyard, as I say that because I have like one like 12 plants in this office. You know, nature teaches us so many things. I'm sure you've seen the thing. You know, when a flower doesn't compete, it just blooms. It's not like looking at the other four. I'm like, I need to be broader than you. Like nature. We are not very different from nature, right? But it's, it's somehow harder for us to get in there. And it gets stirred up by by the social medias and like, be like me be like, I want to be new. No, I want to be me. And I'm not listen, I get inspired by a lot of people. But when I even think about my circle of influence now, it's not the people that I will not lie I used to have my vision board used to have pictures and every single picture was not me. It was people I wanted to be like, and look like and I wanted to just completely wash away who I was and I wonder why so hard to get there. I love my eyes. You know what, on my vision board, I'll have pictures of myself on it. What a concept. And you know, the the, you know, the house or whatever the hell is on there. But I look at it. It's in my old room. I'm like, Oh my God. Yeah, look at that. Do you think I, I would feel shame inspired? I coined that term, because I'm like, Oh, I don't look like them yet. So I better starve myself and do this. I didn't feel inspired. I felt judge. I felt gross. I felt pathetic because I wasn't like them straight up. That's not vision that's imposter. And that's not gonna help anyone. So it's like,

Juli Wenger:

just stop to tell people just stop it. Stop doing that are on your horse. blinder. There's so many guys do not look to the left or to the right. Just Oh, yeah. I know. I know. No.

Unknown:

Just look in for one minute. Like if people sat like, even the simple exercise of sitting with discomfort when I first heard that I'm like, this is the I said to my therapist. I'm like, You have lost your mind. I'm like, no, no therapist, you might have negotiated with her or tried to think I'm negotiating. I'm like, sit with pain. I'm like, do you know me? I don't want no pain, even while Meanwhile, I'm living all sorts of pain or suppressing pain, but I was pretending I wasn't gonna feel the pain. Felt like you want me to sit with what you're cute. She's like, every day for five minutes a day. Just sit with whatever makes you uncomfortable. I'm like, No. Now that's like a daily thing I do. Anytime something comes up. I'm before I react. I'm like, Okay, what is this triggering? Is this triggering adult Christine is this triggering child, Christine, what is this really an

Juli Wenger:

inner body? So, thank you think before our brain catches up. It's amazing.

Unknown:

Oh my God. Because our bodies storing it all. It's like, hey, body here. We've been holding this for how many years? So if you want to just tune in, we'll let you know right away. That's the message. That's the voicemail from the body. That's, you know, you just let us know and we can let that happen within seconds. Thank you. Like, okay, fine, fine. It's, it also makes like through pain and injury and trauma. I've learned so much about the body, the body and the mind and circle

Juli Wenger:

back. We'll have to like talk about some Maddix episode number two of Christine. Julie slash fat and Julie. Oh

Unknown:

my god. Yeah, proverbial crap.

Juli Wenger:

Well, thank you for doing this with us today. We could literally just keep talking and talking and talking, you know? Well, we'll save some magic for forever. We'll put a cork in it. Thank you so much for being here. It's been a pleasure.

Unknown:

Thank you so much for inviting me.

Juli Wenger:

I hope this episode triggered something in you and got you thinking about your next growth curve. Make sure to check out the show notes for more details and links to resources or people that we've mentioned today. And make sure you hit follow or subscribe and if you have a hot minute will leave an awesome review. I would be so beyond grateful. Until next time, be too much I dare you