Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast

Ditching the Need for Validation

December 08, 2021 Season 2 Episode 14
Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast
Ditching the Need for Validation
Show Notes Transcript

This episode takes a magnifying glass to what's on Juli's heart today. The hard truth she's facing head-on. 

"How do I let go and move past the need for validation?"

What is old thinking versus new thinking? 
It's time to uplevel our thinking and shift the frame of reference for what we need to operate on a daily basis. 

Juli Wenger:

You're on this earth for a purpose. You want to live a life that matters. So let's get through the fear and the overwhelm and all the crap that gets in the way of you living the life you're here for. This is the becoming ourselves podcast where we are fired up about you getting clear on who you are, what you're called to, and how to get there. Because the world is waiting for you to show up and own your power. I'm your host, Juli Wenger, a coach, a speaker, a Jesus lover in any gram two, and a tree shaker. Let's dive into what's keeping you stuck. Because on the other side, is a life that's fired up, fulfilled. And because we're in December, so it's recap time, y'all. One of my favorite concepts is this. First I found in Romans, thanks, chapter eight. First, let God transform the way you think, the way you think. And then you will learn His purpose for you, then you'll be able to understand what he's put you here for. Okay. And as I was flipping into my Bible app today, I found this and John three, three, before a person can even perceive God's Kingdom before they can see it, before they can see what exists. Okay? They must first experience a rebirth. And what strikes me about that is that the rebirth can be changing the way we wait for it. Think, yes, you got it, nailed it. Now let's get practical. Because I don't really even want to talk about this. But we're going to anyway, I have this incessant need for validation, and affirmation. And this morning, I was in a space and my girl Angelique called it a spirit of validation. And I was like, oh, oh, that feels gross, it feels really icky. And here's the deal of the things that we get to choose to work through the things that stand in the way of our growth, the things that stand in the way of us closing the capability gap. And if you've been with me for a while, you know what that is, but if you haven't, let's catch up. The capability gap is that space between where you are right now. And the reach the stretch, the growth, the thing or the space that you know, is possible. The place that you know, you can reach to what you know, fundamentally that you are capable of and called to. Okay, that's the capability gap. And for us to close that, which is also what is required for us to live our most fired up fulfilled and free life for us to close that capability gap requires for us to deal with our stuff that gets all up in our face, and feels icky. There's a reason it feels icky. Okay, because we know what's not our best. We know it's not us at our most healthy. We know it's not us at our most powerful, but our ego sure likes it because it keeps us safe in the same. This be too much journey that I've been on of really owning my enoughness and choosing it and reclaiming the words too much. Reclaiming what it is to be too much and saying you know what, my too much. This is exactly what's required for me to go and live my purpose. My too much. This is exactly what is required and what has been placed in me to live out my calling and be on the path that has been specifically built for me. It's what's required for me to reach the people who are assigned to my voice in this season. Full stop. And yet, there's that nagging need. And that nagging desire for people to validate for people to affirm my enoughness for people to affirm that I'm on the right path for people to affirm that I am creating impact. And you know what all of that does. It makes it about me. It makes it about that want to talk Enneagram here for a minute and we're going to get into a whole series on that after Christmas. I'm so excited for it. So stay tuned. It takes me into my type two space of not super healthiness which is this giving to get something return on investment of my time. and my energy and my love and my showing up for people. And then if I don't get the affirmation or the validation that I need, that tells me Oh, look, I'm enough and I'm worthy of love. And I'm helpful and I needed, then I get really victim Spacey. It's like, oh, man, did I screw something up? Do they not like me? Did I make a mistake? Am I not enough? Am I not worthy? It's this whole thing that I have been preaching about and writing about. And knowing is the truth. In the core of my being, when I'm in my healthy space, when I am mentally and emotionally healthy when I am really connected and aligned with my Creator. Is it all bunk? Well, it's not. Okay, so let's start there. It's not. And because I understand how I'm wired. And because I understand the psychology that underpins that, I know that this is my default self protective pattern. I know that this is where I go, if I am not actively working to detach from my ego. So here comes the question. And this is the question that comes up in my conversation with I mean, a whole lot of type twos, for one thing, a whole lot of helpers, but with most people of most types, well, how do I overcome that? How do I let go have that? How do I move past that need for a spirit of validation? Well, let me tell you what I'm doing. Okay. Number one, I am asking God to strip that off me. It's time for it to go. It is not meant to come with me into 2022. This is old patterns, old habits, old belief systems and old thinking. It is time for the thinking to change it is time for the thinking to up level is time for my frame of reference, to shift. And for that to no longer be something that I allow to exist. And that's step number two is choosing something else, actively and continually. It's choosing moment by moment, and we talk about this in the book a lot, moment by moment, day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to say Nope, we're not doing that ego, I am choosing enoughness. Today, I am choosing to believe that I am worthy because I am made or the by the only one who is worthy, I am choosing to believe I am who he says I am that I am loved, that I am powerful, that I am capable. And that I don't have to do everything on my own. And not everyone has to like me. And I don't have to get it right all the time. Because he never expected me to. Some of you need to hear that. He never expected you to get right all the time. He didn't expect you to carry all of the things he didn't expect for everyone to like you. The plan was not built that way. Your path was not created for that. And we got to get on board with us together here we cannot afford to continue to take ourselves out. 2022, for many of us is a season of acceleration. It is a season of stepping forward. It is a season of we've been showing up. And we've been doing the work and we've been sowing the seeds. And things are going to start to grow. But we have to be available to them. And it's really hard for me to be available to what is coming and to operate from a place of open heart open arms open hands. We did an episode about that a while back. If I am in control mode and in spiraling worrying about what everyone thinks. So I'm going to start let's recap. circle back. I'm going to start by asking him to break that crap off. We are not doing that we're not bringing it through because I don't have to. We're going to follow that up with actively choosing and being a participant in the process. Choosing not to allow this need for validation to exist, pattern interrupting the ego. And then and then we need to surround ourselves with people who will call us out Call us up. I heard this last week, and it landed for me. There are people and relationships, there are things. And there are commitments that are not meant to come with you into the next phase of your journey. And this month, these next few weeks, this season, that is often earmarked with slowdown is an opportunity for us. Because this is for me too. It's an opportunity for us to spend some time of valuating. Who we are spending our time with, who we are allowing in not just to our physical space in our time, but also into our mind in terms of what are we reading? What are we watching? What are we listening to? Who are we listening to? This is a season of really making sure that your foundation is solid, that you understand, who are you? And what are you here for? Or in other words, what is your assignment? What is it that is yours in these next few months, weeks years? What are you stepping into? What's he calling you to? And are you in position. Getting in position often means we have to let go of some things. Because if we're hanging on, we can only move so far from them. If I'm hanging on to my need for validation, that's going to keep me small. That's going to keep me from showing up and speaking what's given to me to speak. Because I'm going to be so worried about if I'm going to say it right, I'm going to be so worried about are they going to respond. And they might not. If you're listening to this, and this is landing in your spirit know this, sometimes we're going to feel called to say something and shake someone's tree. And they're going to ghost their they're going to not respond. And here's the default, the default is to go, oh, I shouldn't have I shouldn't have said anything. I should have metered it down. I should have patted it. I should have people please my way through that a little more. I should have Shota Shota and we should all over ourselves. But what we don't allow space for and what we don't always realize is that that kick, or that shake, or that honest and compassionate word may be one of the pieces of the puzzle that needed to be built, for them to experience something that's not about us. Our purpose is not about us, our calling is not about us. The assignment is not about us. It's about other people, closing the capability gap that's going to create fulfillment. That's going to create a life that you're excited to get up and live. That is going to give you freedom. It's going to give you peace, it's going to give you joy, it's going to give you hope. It's going to give you courage. And it's not about you. And it's not about me. And I feel all kinds of emotional here talking about this and processing this because this is not a planned up. So obviously this is for me too. Because this next season is going to require me to let go of the need for Hey, Julie, this podcast was great. Hey, Julie, the book is awesome. Hey, Julie, that thing that you said really struck me Hey, Julie, I really want to work with you know, I kind of let go of all of that. I gotta let go of those attachments to the outcomes in a whole new capacity because I let go of attachment to a lot of outcomes that are outside of me. But when it comes to that need for people to say, Hey, you're enough that one's still hard. But ultimately, I know this and I need you to hear this the only one whose approval matters is this beautiful father who loves me and there's nothing I can can do. There's nowhere I can go. That will strip his approval or that will strip his love off of me. Can I do things that are not what he told me to do? Sure. Does that mean I'm not enough? That's covered. That's done. My enoughness is subtle and so as you I hope this episode triggered something in you and got you thinking about your next growth curve. Make sure to check out the show notes for more details and links to resources or people that we've mentioned today. And make sure you hit follow or subscribe and if you have a hot minute will leave an awesome review. I would be so beyond grateful. Until next time, be too much DARE YOU