Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast

Stop Fighting with Yourself

September 29, 2021 Season 2 Episode 5
Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast
Stop Fighting with Yourself
Show Notes Transcript

We're talking about "stuckness" this week and the energy we give to fighting with ourselves.
Hello imposter syndrome! Hello triggered triggers! Hey there ego - we see you!

It's time to choose change.
It's time to get clarity about what you're REALLY afraid of.
And then lets put on the boxing gloves and fight back.

Instagram | Clubhouse | Facebook: @juliwenger

Juli Wenger:

You're on this earth for a purpose. You want to live a life that matters. So let's get through the fear and the overwhelmed all the shift that gets in a way of you living a life you're here for. This is the becoming ourselves podcast or we are fired up about you getting clear on who you are, what you're called to, and how to get there. Because the world is waiting for you to show up and own your power. I'm your host, Juli Wenger, a coach, a speaker, a Jesus lover, an enneagram, two and a tree shape. Let's dive into what's keeping you stuck. Because on the other side is the life that's fired up, fulfilled. Okay, this week on the podcast, we are talking about being stuck on the fence and particularly the fighting that we do with ourselves. And I've seen this show up in my own life, because with every up level comes a new level of imposter syndrome comes a new, I don't know if I can do it comes a new triggering of our triggers. There is space, whenever we're entering that new phase and that new growth curve for ego to go now hold up, don't want to go there. Don't want to change, don't know what's over there, there could be a bear behind the minivan in the cul de sac, which realistically isn't going to happen. But still, there's this fear that our ego holds remember our subconscious four year old with no context of the world. And it tries to stop us. So as I've been leveling into our leveling up into my next growth curve, and leaning into that my imposter syndrome has shown up. And as much as I know that it's an invitation. And as much as I know that I'm on the right track, there is this really hard wired ego drive in this battle that's been showing up saying stay the same. Let's justify our way into staying the same. Let's avoid, let's give away our responsibility. Let's convince ourselves we're okay here. Or maybe it should take longer. Maybe it should be harder. Maybe Maybe, maybe maybe until we've completely talked ourselves out of the thing that we know we're supposed to do. So I'm going to take you back about a month and a half with me I was doing this meditation focused on what is it that I'm afraid of? What is it in this imposter syndrome showing up? In this continual fighting with myself that I'm so tired of doing? Why am I circling back on this? What is it that keeps pulling me into this? What is it I still have to learn? What is it that I still have to integrate? And initially, my ego handed me on this little silver platter this story. What if you are not as called, or as powerful as you think you are? Hello imposter syndrome. But it feels real. This is the challenge with our ego is we see everything through its frame of reference. Which is why when it fights for us to stay the same, it usually wins. Because we need outsider frames of reference, we need different ways of thinking different ways of seeing. So for me to land there, as much as I have awareness around my ego and its tricks. It feels really legit. Man, what if I'm not? What if people find me out? What if they look at me and go, Oh, man, she's like, not a perfect mom. She doesn't know everything there is to know about business. She doesn't have a degree in psychology, all of the things that I have wrapped up in this little funny goes space of what it takes to be enough. Remember the checkboxes for enoughness we've talked about before. So it seems really real. Yep. Okay, imposter syndrome. I see you How do I move through that? And then this meditation continuous was one of these guided things. And we continue to dive a little deeper into what scares you and then I realized what if I'm not is a bullshit story. What if I'm not as called or as powerful as I think I am is a total bull shit story. You know what the truth is? Here's what I'm scared of. What if I am? What if I am as called What if I am as capable? What if I am as powerful What if I am who now that's something that has Some weight to it. That's something that is scary A f because if that's true, then that means that I've got to reckon with playing too small, then that means that I have to show up differently to be in integrity with myself, my calling on what God's put me on this earth for. Cue the tears. I'm literally sitting there bawling. And it was a really good cry. Because I needed to lean into that that's been a big piece of this be too much movement. Okay, if I am and how does that require me to show up? If I believe that I am as called and that I am as powerful and that I am as capable of creating impact, as I internally know myself to be how does that require me to show up? unapologetically? Let me tell y'all something I have not consistently, like, consistently over time ever in my life shown up on apologetically, because people pleasing and unapologetic, don't go together. These are polarities, for me. There is a people pleasing that is all kinds of apologetic and merging, taking on other people's opinions, waiting to share until I know what's safe to talk about. And then there's this tree, shake everything. On the other side, there's this, I'm just going to call stuff out that I see from a place of love. And if it's too much for people, then it's too much for people because maybe, just maybe, God didn't put me here to fit in. And that's what the Bible says, For any of you who are in that faith journey with me, you know, that not supposed to fit in, not supposed to be the same. not supposed to belong everywhere. But that's really tough when your identity is wrapped around affirmation and approval from other people. So quick side story. Last week, I had a, an interaction with an acquaintance friend, and we had this great connection a couple years back at a conference and get along great. We got talking enneagram I know how he's wired, he knows how I'm wired. I hop on this new app, and his name pops up in his like, Hey, you know, welcome. Cool, how are you? What's new, I shared a couple of kind of vague things with me about being frustrated with the state of the world. And look, I get it, because we, especially in Canada, right now we've got at the moment that we're recording this in September 2021, we have a federal election going on, we have a municipal election going on, we have all sorts of issues, coming to a head around racism and systemic oppression and indigenous peoples that have occupied this land long before we did. We have COVID problems, lack of integrity all over the place, like I get it. And I had a choice. I could respond and commiserate. And I could hold space for self sympathy. I could give sympathy. Or I could follow my heart in the moment. I could either hide and play small and people please, and try to say the thing that I thought that he wanted to hear, or I could risk it. And I could push back. And I could say you know what I do get it. With all love and all compassion and all understanding I get it. And if this exists, the opposite must also exist. Because this is the law of polarity. There can't be left without right up without down front without back. So if there is a loss of faith in humanity, there must also be the opportunity for a restoration of that faith. There must also be good happening. There must also be grateful. Gratitude filled things that are happening there must also be the opposite. Where can you find that? Where is that? Because I know that you're here for something that matters. I know that you're here to shake things up. So like it or don't like it. Not going to apologize for not turning coach off because I'm hearing this and I feel called to shake the tree. radio silence. Y'all were expecting something different, right? Oh, Julie, you just gave me this cool awareness. Now I'm gonna wake the f up and I'm gonna stop feeling sorry for myself and I'm like no, no radio silence. Which is then in that moment, the opportunity in the people pleasing? And the recovery from the detaching from that as a protective pattern? That's the opportunity that little half a second where you go, did I go too far? Do I need to backpedal? Do I need to try to soften that? Do I need to make sure that make sure that he likes me? Or do I just shut the EFF up and leave it and say, if it's too much, fine. If I'm too much, fine. That was the option. That was what me being as powerful. And as called, as I believe that I am looked like. That was what me being love, and joy and strength and light and grace looked like, in that moment, Julie, two years ago, would not recognize herself in that moment. Because that was not my consistent way of showing up. It's shifted, a lot has shifted. And I fight with myself a lot less than I used to, in terms of this battle of I can't or I don't know how letting the imposter syndrome drive. But I do fight with myself in a different kind of capacity. And we're going to talk about that for a second. Fighting with myself now intentionally looks like me, jumping into my fear. It looks like me calling out my ego and saying, no, we're not doing this. We're not playing small, we're not going to justify playing small, we're not going to justify waiting, we're not going to justify putting things off, we're not going to avoid, we're not going to do any of that stuff, we're going to show up. And it's like pulling your ego in and giving a big bear hug. Keeping it close, saying I recognize you as a part of me. And you're something that I can leverage when I choose to. And my conscious self is choosing to take control, and is choosing how I'm going to show up in this battle with myself. My conscious self is going to set the direction, my conscious self is going to surround me with the right people and the right tools and the right support. To be able to continue to level up. I'm going to surround myself with people who will call me on my crap. Which is exactly what happened in that whole scenario around. What if I'm not? And what if I am? There's this whole network of people, this whole community that I'm part of the know. And they're watching for it. They're watching for the slide there watching for ego to rear its little head and try to sneak its way back in there and convince me that no, no, no, no, no. Maybe the problem is actually one if you're not enough. Maybe the problem is what if you're not called? What if you're not good enough? What if you're not powerful enough? What if you're not, and they will kick my ass with it in the best of ways in the most loving way. Because they're not willing to allow me to slide backwards. And I'm not willing to allow you to slide backwards. This is why we're having this conversation because one of the things that's shown up for me super consistently, in the last few months of doing a ridiculous number of clarity calls. And by ridiculous I mean like a beautiful number. But it's been a lot. A lot of conversations with a lot of humans who are feeling stuck and feeling overwhelmed, who are successful, but know that the success they built is not the thing that's going to fulfill them and sustain them. That's not it's not filling their boots. It's not what they expected it to be. It's not all it was cracked up to be. In talking with people who are ready to live or say they're ready to live the life they're put on this earth for. There's a whole lot of fighting with themselves. It's showing up and it's keeping them from taking action. So they're getting stuck on the fence. And as I was writing a blog about this this month, I was thinking about the fences analogy, right that the fence boards are kind of like all of your self protective pads. patterns, all of the things that your ego leverages to keep you small. And there's these cross beans that they screw into, and then the big posts that cement into the ground. And when we are stuck on the fence, it's like we are getting cemented into the ground where we are right now. And I see people convince themselves of that moving forward, that creating change, that shifting something in their life, so that they can live their purpose so that they can leave a legacy so that they can live by example for their families, so that they can create impact so that they feel fulfilled, that it's something that can wait. They convince themselves that they need to have more money first, they convince themselves that somehow it'll magically show up on their doorstep, this opportunity to shift things. They convince themselves that just going with the flow and staying where they are is okay. They convince themselves that someone else needs to decide for them. If my spouse is on board, and then I'll do a thing. If my boss says I'm really good at something, then maybe it's the thing I should just keep doing as a career, because I'm good at it. And that's what you're supposed to do, right? I can't start my business. And I get this one. Because I did this with real estate. I'll start my new business after I close a few $1,000 more. After I build up a bigger buffer, after I after, after, after. And what was funny in my story was that God was not willing to let me stay put. So I just need to sell a few more houses turned into Oh, the steel, the steel, the steel. And all these opportunities started disappearing, there were speed bumps and road closures that I was facing as he tried to gear me to my off ramp, which is mixing analogies today. There is something waiting for you. And if you're listening to this, and this is resonating with you, then this is for you. There is something for you on this earth to do, there is an impact for you to create, there is a life for you to live, there is a fulfillment and an abundance for you to have. And I cannot make you do it. I can't shame you into it, I can't push you into it, I can't pressure you into it. And I can't love you into it. You have to choose it, which means you have to choose you. And that also means you're going to have to let go of some things to make room for the new, you're going to have to open your hands and start controlling everything and surrender something. Sometimes that looks like control. Sometimes that looks like money. Sometimes that looks like expectation, sometimes that looks like an identity attachment of who you thought you are. You have to let go of something so that you can grab a hold of the new thing. So you can grab a hold of the opportunities, you can grab a hold of the abundance in its many forms that comes when we do this work. It always comes. But the question is, will you jump over that fence and into your fear? Are you willing to face the imposter syndrome? Are you willing to face your self protective patterns? Are you willing to go to battle with your ego? And instead of fighting with yourself and going on this spiral? of never actually moving anywhere but staying real busy and exhausting yourself with all of this mental chatter? Are you willing to go to battle in any way and break some of your rules? find new ways of thinking. That's the question. because the world needs you. And I will never ever, ever stop preaching about this. The world needs you. And the world needs you and your gifts and it needs you in your power and it needs you with your talents to show up. Your family needs that your community needs that and the broader world needs that. And it's not purely this thing of like oh well everybody else needs no, there is such a fulfillment that comes and a fire that comes and enjoy that comes from doing that thing because it's what you're built for. So go chew on that and make a decision. I hope this episode triggered something in you and got you thinking about your next growth curve. Make sure to check out the show notes for more details and links to resources or people that we've mentioned today. And make sure you hit follow or subscribe. And if you have a hot minute believe an awesome review. I would be so beyond grateful. Until next time, be too much. I dare you