Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast

Becoming Worthy with Chelsea Riffe

October 06, 2021 Season 2 Episode 6
Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast
Becoming Worthy with Chelsea Riffe
Show Notes Transcript

Did you grow up, go to school, climb a ladder, find success, and then feel like "Oh... this is it?" Chelsea did! We're talking about support, community, vulnerability, self worth, building your toolkit, and hold-your-nose and jump moments. Because your inner knowing knows its time for a shift.

BIO
Chelsea Riffe is a Mindset + Podcast Coach, Host of "In My Non-Expert Opinion" podcast & always trying on new hats.

She currently works 1:1 with clients to launch their podcast, and assists them in navigating the ups and downs of entrepreneurship. Her work can be experienced in a variety of ways, including audio courses, masterclasses and workshops. 

Chelsea is an Aquarius Sun and Virgo Moon/Rising who loves rap music, nature documentaries, mysticism, reality TV, travel, podcasts, chocolate, and learning about the mind, body, and spirit.

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Website
www.chelseariffe.com
Instagram
@chelseariffe
Instagram
@nonexpertopinionpod
Podcast  In My Non-Expert Opinion on Apple Podcasts or Spotify


CONNECT WITH ME
Instagram | Clubhouse | Facebook: @juliwenger
https://www.juliwenger.com/




Juli Wenger:

You're on this earth for a purpose. You want to live a life that matters. So let's get through the fear and the overwhelm the knowledge shift that gets in a way you can you living a life. This is the becoming ourselves podcast. So we are fired up about you getting clear on who you are, what you're called to, and how to get there. Because the world is waiting for you show up and own your power. I'm your host, Juli Wenger, a coach, a speaker, a Jesus lover, an enneagram, two and a tree shape. Let's dive into what's keeping you stuck. Because on the other side is the life that's fired up, fulfilled. And okay, today on the podcast, I am joined by Chelsea rife, I really excited about this one because Chelsea and I have tried to coordinate our schedules for literally months. Chelsea is a fellow coach and empowerment junkie, and we just had a lot in comments, we thought it'd be fun to hang out, share a little bit about her journey. So welcome to the podcast. I'm so excited. Thank you for having me on. So let's talk a little bit because I know that the journey for you has been full of its ups and downs, which is not a surprise, right? Because everyone's journey to becoming them always has its ups and downs. But one of the things that I'd love to hear your perspective on is, if you take us through a little bit of what has Chelsea's life looked like, up till now, what is really been supportive for you what's helped you step through it, and then we'll just see where things go.

Unknown:

Yeah, I would say my journey to who I am now, like you said, has been a winding road. And really, after college, I followed a traditional path, you know, got a great job moved up the ladder. I think this is an interesting term that I heard someone coined called like astronauts syndrome, where you go to the moon, and when you come back, you're like, well, what else is there to do? Like I've seen the moon, that kind of happened with my corporate career where I climbed up the ladder so quickly, and got all the perks and the bonuses and the money and the trips and the clients. And I was just like, Wait a second, I thought I would hit this level of success when I was 50. And I'm 25. And it was very hard to comprehend that. And I just remember, like having this huge moment that hit me like a train, it was like Chelsea, this is going to be the rest of your life. So I had this kind of freak out of do I really want to be doing this for the rest of my life. And between probably the ages of like 25 to 27. I definitely was just bulldozing through work thinking things would change, maybe I would feel different. Maybe if I got a more senior title. And I just remember thinking like I am not happy. I'm not fulfilled. I can't pinpoint it. Everything on paper looks absolutely incredible. But something's going on inside. And that's when I remember having a breakdown in Chicago. I remember it so vividly. I was walking off the train. And I just called my mom out of nowhere. And I was like I am like miserable, a miserable. And I didn't know what to pinpoint it against. I was like, This is not from a boy. This isn't from my work. I had an amazing work environment. And I was like, it's just coming from a sense of unfulfillment. And the physical looming feeling like this is the rest of my life. So that's when I discovered therapy, and the power of therapy and talking to someone and having a support system. And therapy really opened my eyes to the power of your thoughts. Like I didn't have to believe all these things about my life or that they were true. And that was such a concept new concept to me like wait a minute, I can change my thoughts like that's, that's all I have to do. And my therapist was incredible. And I went to her weekly. And that really opened up the door to more self development, more empowerment, more stepping into who I am, which eventually led me abroad. So two years ago, I went on a little Eat Pray Love journey to Australia. During COVID I started my business. And now I've been running my business for a year. And I've been traveling around. I've been in Germany for the last year. And I am now sitting here talking to you from Hamburg.

Juli Wenger:

So the thoughts to behaviors to results path. I want to tie into that a little bit here. Because this is something that I think a lot of people share, right? It's just this default of I think this or I've heard this story or I bought into this narrative about what life is supposed to look like and what I'm supposed to aim for. And we talk about that a lot on the podcast, buying into other people's stories and other people's should and we end up living someone else's life. But when we can change that initial thought reaction, because we go thought to story, right, like there's facts and then there's stories. And when we can shift the story we wrap around things that are happening that by default can shift our behaviors and then we get whole different results. So Talk to me a little bit about the changing your thinking. changing my thinking was something that took a while. I mean, I went to therapy every week for an entire year. And it was really a lot about self worth, which kept showing up a lot in my dating scene,

Unknown:

oh my god, that horror stories I have from my dating. But you know, now that I can look back and take some responsibility, it wasn't just that every guy was a bad guy. It was like, what I was allowing and the boundaries I had in place and things that I was just, you know, letting happen to me. That was something that I didn't realize I could shift just with my power of thoughts and behaviors and speaking. And I think really, what started to show up was in the sessions, she would always point out to me, like, Do you notice in all these scenarios you told me about, you're the one that's losing, like you're getting the bad and the deal? You're the one that everybody doesn't? Like, you're the one that you know, everybody at work is looking at? And it didn't really hit me until she phrased that back to me, like, wow, yeah, all the stories are told, I tell myself is that like, everybody's against me, or no one likes me. And so she just had me like, kind of neutralize my thoughts. Instead of trying to flip it around to everybody loves me, I have an amazing life. She's like, why don't you just try to neutralize it a little bit of like, what if like, no one's even really thinking about you? And the way that you are thinking about yourself? Or the way that you're perceiving yourself is absolutely not what's happening out there. And I tried on that thought, that's what I like to call like, trying it on experimenting of like, Okay, let me just see what happens when I when I do this when I shift my thoughts, and it helps so much like I noticed my own behavior changed the way I showed up in my presence change, my confidence changed. And it really helped me understand that. Yeah, your thoughts absolutely affect how you feel in your behavior.

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. And there's something really important there about it not just being a flip from everyone's against me to everyone loves me, because that throws us right into toxic positivity land. Oh, yeah. Right, where it's like, it's not actually believable to our subconscious anyways, then we're just going to loop back into the self sabotage pattern. Again, there is this path, right, of being triggered, or being in a negative mindset space, and having to take slow steps back to neutral. Right, that always has to be the focus, we have to get ourselves to know neutral, get our prefrontal cortex solidly back on, develops a new patterns, build a toolkit, and then step from neutral into being healthier or being more powerfully as so absolutely. What about toolkit? What are some of the things if there are people that are listening to this, and they're going, Yeah, I've totally bought other people's stories for my life. And I'm surrounding myself with people that are circumstances that maybe don't serve me. Because I see a lot of that show up, I see a lot of the enoughness and the self worth, and the lack of boundaries and all of that, that ties in together, people pleasing, etc. Right? So there's people that are listening to this and going Yep, that's me Hands up. It's a little uncomfortable. Right? We don't want to see ourselves there. But what what helps you from a specific toolkit, tips and practices perspective?

Unknown:

Yeah, I would say the first and biggest one that I still use today is reframing. That is what helped me go from the negative to the neutral. So what you do is take a thought, and then you try to find evidence to counteract the thought that's not serving you, and then create the new thought. So for example, let's use the work one of like, my co workers don't like me. Well, if I were to take that thought to court, could I prove that that's true with cold hard facts? Would a judge be like, yeah, we have evidence to support the thought that no one likes you. So I would have to force myself to find examples of do I even have real life examples of a co worker not liking me. And usually what happened was the opposite. It was people emailing me like amazing job, you crush that presentation. We love working with you. And so I had to find those pieces of evidence. And I call it now like an evidence folder. I do this a lot. I create evidence folders. And then I saw Okay, well, I have clear proof that that's not true. So the New Thought is my coworkers do like me, or support me, at least in this environment. The thought that no one likes me, there's actually no evidence to support that. That is huge. And I feel like I can do that with everything with dating with work with money, finding evidence to counteract the negative thought is so powerful.

Juli Wenger:

So it's taking your projection onto other people. And going Oh, hold up, let's pattern interrupt this thing. Let's evaluate it. Let's get curious about it. Let's see if we can actually prove that it's true. And then in the process of that, what do you learn about your own self worth?

Unknown:

Isn't that that was the wildest thing that every time I did, it was like everything I think about myself is the opposite of what I'm gathering for my ever It usually was people again, even in dating situations, it wasn't as bad as I thought. And it showed me that I need to change the stories I see about myself. And so to help me build confidence, I think what I started doing wasn't even about self image or anything, it was more of like speaking up. And so I started doing little, small, tiny changes throughout the day, that would help me build confidence. And this is a really random example. But I feel like it's relevant is I never liked Game of Thrones. It was a huge show. Everybody loved it. They're like Game of Thrones fanatics. And I tried and tried, again, to get into it. And I just couldn't get into it. And so I finally just started telling people, I don't like the show. And that was really hard. For me, it sounds silly to say now, but it was such a popular show that I was like, I look like an outsider, I look like I'm not cool. And I'm not even with the culture. And just little things like that I like I actually don't like that show. I don't like that food, I don't want to go to that place that started helping me build confidence, and then started increasing my self worth, because I could actually see myself setting boundaries and taking a stand for what I like and don't like,

Juli Wenger:

I get this at such a core level. And actually, before we hopped on, onto record here, one of the things that we talked about was this like post that I made last week, and we'll chat about it a bit in your episode. But the part of the context there was was reflecting back on how I used to speak up. And if someone was talking about politics, or someone was talking about food, or someone's talking about a show, or someone's talking about any variety of things, I'd often wait and see, what do they say, so that I can craft my opinion around it. So that I don't shake things too much, or I don't get perceived a certain ways. Everything is perception management all the time, which is just another frame for people pleasing. And so I see this in me as you're talking about it, like, but it's so empowering, right to step out of that and say, No, I actually really hate horror flicks. And I won't watch them or I don't watch the news. And I don't know what's going on. And someone will tell me, your people will kind of look at you like that. And that's theirs. And isn't it so freeing to just look at people when they're giving you feedback on what your opinions are? And just don't own it?

Unknown:

Right? Yeah, then you can do this again, with anything like restaurants are a great example. You know how many people go out and they know they want the steak, and everybody order pizza? And then you're like, Oh, well, I guess I'll just get pizza, because that's what everyone's getting. You're, you're constantly breaking these promises to yourself. And I feel like when you do that, that's what actually contributes to low self worth and low self esteem. Because everything you say you're going to do you never do it. So that's something I learned. Definitely, with reframing and some of the other tools that I used in therapy.

Juli Wenger:

It's a continual undermining. I think we have to be in integrity with ourselves, before we can be in integrity with other people.

Unknown:

Oh, absolutely. I feel like that's where it's like self love and everything, right? People always say love yourself before you bring on a partner. And it's the same thing. Yeah, it's hard to be in integrity with other people, if you're every day breaking the smallest promises to yourself around what you want to eat or what you like.

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. So what about people because I recognize in my journey to seeing myself as I actually am, surrounding myself with some really amazing people, was a key part of the journey. What was that like for you? And how did that show up?

Unknown:

Yeah, that became really apparent for me too, especially with where I was working, we worked in a small remote office, and there were only six of us in there. And so they kind of become your family, and you're hanging out with them every day. And I noticed myself going to therapy, you know, trying on all these new thoughts and experimenting with how I was showing up. And I started to notice little things around what was contributing to like me not feeling good. And for example, and gossiping. I was like, I don't want to be gossiping about someone's wedding dress every weekend. Like that was the gossip right? Everybody's getting married, did you see your dress and the bridesmaid. And I was like, This feels like gross or going out to a bar and not feeling like I wanted to drink as much and noticing the people I was going on with didn't want to go have a huge big party night. And so I noticed I think I'm gonna have to shift to I run around in circles with which obviously was not easy when you work in the same office every day. But I had the liberty to actually we worked in a co working space so I would kind of just separate myself from you know, the gossip hours and like go upstairs and work at a different table and maybe step outside on the lounge sofa and Little things like that really added up because I was removing myself from the environment of I don't want to be part of this. And then slowly and surely, you just start to attract different people, then I would find memberships of like minded people. And I was like, oh, here's a whole group of people that are really interested in what I'm doing. Oh, here's a whole coaching group that's interested in what I'm doing. even going to like group fitness classes changed my life. I was like, oh, all these people are like, healthy and want to work on themselves and do you know, healthy things on the weekend. So I just slowly started making steps like that. And then I do think your friendships evolve and change. And I haven't gone through anything where I've had to cut people off or delete or block anybody. But I have noticed there just some friendship levels that have changed. My mom calls it like changing the books on the bookshelf or something. It's like, maybe I don't they're not front and center anymore. They're still on my bookshelf, they're just maybe on a lower bookshelf. So yeah, I have noticed a big change in who I hang out with absolutely affects my thoughts and what I think about myself too,

Juli Wenger:

yeah, up leveling your people, as you uplevel yourself.

Unknown:

Yeah. And that's hard to do. Because other people aren't doing it with you. It can feel personal, where people are like, why we we know you don't really talk to us anymore. What do you Who are you hanging out with now, and that was kind of a hard adjustment, because it wasn't like, Oh, I don't like you as a person. It was like our interests and you know, things that we like to do and spend our time around have just changed. That was still kind of hard to deal with.

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. So let's shift gears just a little bit. Because here's something I'm curious about the becoming you to this point, often when I see show up is, we have this new talked about this as over attachment to Chelsea and her career, Chelsea climbing the ladder, the this is who I am, right? reaching these milestones, hitting these goals, doing these things, achieving, achieving, achieving, proving, proving, proving, etc, etc, etc. And then the kind of the break happens, right, the Holy crap, this is not what I wanted. It's not filling me up. It's not enough. What? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with this life? Why am I not grateful? And then we shift into starting to understand at a different level, who we are at a foundational kind of a place. And often I refer to those as I AMS or sort of an essence of who we are. So I'm curious about what have you learned about who you are at more of a core level?

Unknown:

Oh, that's a good question. I feel like this really hit me in Australia, where I was spending so much time alone and growing and really investing in myself care and my practices and what I wanted to learn in the world that I had to separate from my corporate america identity. And I really found, like, I am honestly like a multifaceted visionary. And I'm not even talking about visionary in business, like, there are so many things I want to create in this world that have nothing to do with making money or you know, up leveling my business structure. And that, that overwhelms me at times, because I feel like I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do. But I also know I'm so resourceful, and industrial that like, it doesn't matter how it looks or how it's going to get done. But I trust that these massive visions that I have, even though they scare me, sometimes will happen in the right time when they're meant to. But that was a big shift, like you said, because I was so focused on my titles and how much money I made and who what circles I ran in professionally, that all the sudden shifting to like, Hey, I might live somewhere different. That is not traditional. I don't know that I want to buy a house at this age. I don't know that I want to be a mom at this age, which is where all my friends from corporate america came from. And I had to really separate from that identity and be like, I'm okay with living this very unconventional life that is again, a bit overwhelming at times. But yeah, that's why I feel like who I am right now, like a truly multifaceted visionary.

Juli Wenger:

What about purpose? What have you discovered about what it is that you feel called to do with your life right now?

Unknown:

I feel like one of my main purposes and probably life purpose is to help people unleash their voice. And I mean, like quite literally and emotional and physically. Like with podcasting, for example. That's something I've started to really lean into with podcast coaching. I used to not do that. And I started to put the pieces together of like, my podcast actually gave me confidence. It was a place where I could speak every week to develop not only interpersonal skills, but be more vulnerable, be more transparent, share my authentic thoughts. And I was like, this has really boosted my self esteem. I feel like there's a lot of things that people are not saying for fear of people pleasing, for fear of looking silly, for fear of not being perfect, and I just wanted to show people you can use your voice whether that's a podcasting or not. But that's the work I do now, especially with women of like speaking up for what, what you want speaking up for your needs speaking up for your desires, whether again, that is through podcasting or just life in general. But I really feel like that's my sacred work because I feel like, like, everyone has this magical story to tell, but they keep it inside because they're like, it's not that important, or no one cares, or no one wants to listen. And that is like, No, I want to show you is important, and people do need to hear it.

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. What we grow through can be such a permission slip for other people to go on their journey, or give so much context or be educational, or be empowering, or we never know. And we never know how us sharing what's happened and what's showing up in our life can totally change the perspective and trajectory of someone else's life.

Unknown:

Hmm, I actually think the more it's, it's funny watching this from a business standpoint, that the more transparent and vulnerable I am on my podcast, that's when people want to work with me, which is interesting, because I'll do a whole episode of business mistakes I've made and how I've managed my money poorly in the past. And people are like, that was the most real thing I've ever heard. I want to work with you. And I'm like, really, past Chelsea would have been like, I need to put the five steps to grow your business and blah, blah, blah. And that's what's going to make people want to work with me. And every single time I have like a vulnerability hangover or something from my podcast, that's when people are like, Oh, my gosh, I love your work. And I'm like, this shows me that what you just said, my life experiences and some of the really hard stuff I've gone through is what's impacting people the most?

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. Because if you can overcome it, then so can they. And I think there is such a mask. in society right now. There's such make it look polished and perfect and Instagram worthy. And as we tend more towards that people are craving more and more reality more authentic, more vulnerable. And all of the polished, perfectly branded, I mean, I like polished and branded, but it's got to be in harmony with real so people know who we actually are. Because otherwise there's this like, gap between the you know, the US in them, right? And it's really not. It's not accurate. We're still humans, we're still on the journey. There's no magical vejer

Unknown:

No, that's why I love podcasting, because I'm like, it gives you the space to show your humanity and add the nuance and complexities that are of being human. And then on Instagram, oh, the character counts too long. The videos too short, the filter didn't work. It's like, how many things do you need to edit for yourself to be curated on this platform, when you could just share your actual real human thoughts on a podcast

Juli Wenger:

100%. Any last thoughts or tips that you want to leave with the audience about becoming more authentic, more supportive, more vulnerable?

Unknown:

I honestly think one of the biggest breakthroughs I had in the last few years, was having direct conversations with people that I was scared to have direct conversations with, which helped my healing. For example, I had a big block around money. And this fear that like outrunning my dad would somehow like cut off his love for me or because he helped me so much growing up, and it would kind of ruin our dynamic. And I mean, the stories I was swirling around in my head, were just so they were so unhelpful and holding me back. And I remember just one day thinking, this is not going to get resolved with journaling, or meditation or anything. Like you just need to sit down and have a conversation. And I remember sitting in the kitchen, my parents just straight up talking to them, like, these are all the fears I have around money. I want to ask you guys about money. I want to have a conversation, like an adult conversation about this. I want to know about debt and what you think of me potentially out earning you one day. And I mean, there were tears. It was emotional. But I'm like that was the biggest catalyst in me moving forward from that story in my head. And now I just try to take that to heart with anything else. Like I really want to have direct conversations when something is in my head to stop projecting the stories that continue to play.

Juli Wenger:

Yeah, where we take the whole conversation and frame it from a place of hey, here's the story I'm making up and give people an opportunity to tell us is this reality? Is this not? Is there anything that I'm saying that you agree with? Or do you think that I am totally nuts and personally if I'm most of the time, some of these conversations will say my husband all the time, right? Here's the story. I'm telling myself, and he's like, yeah, that's not that's not what I think. That's not how I feel. That's not Yeah, it's 99% of the time, not accurate. it.

Unknown:

Yeah, it was so eye opening. I remember my dad was like, Are you joking? The point of like us trying to raise you the best we could is so you could do better than us. And I was like, Oh, well, thank you. Just that sentence alone helped me move forward. So yeah, I

Juli Wenger:

totally here's your permission. Absolutely. Beautiful. Well, thanks for hopping on the podcast with us today and sharing a bit of your story. People want to follow chelsfield Make sure to have some links in the show notes so you can check out what she's working on. Thank you for having me. I love this conversation. I hope this episode triggered something in you and got you thinking about your next growth curve. Make sure to check out the show notes for more details and links to resources or people that we've mentioned today. And make sure you hit follow or subscribe. And if you have a hot minute, we'll leave an awesome review. I would be so beyond grateful. Until next time, be too much. I dare you