The Becoming Ourselves Podcast

UnBecoming Ourselves: Stepping Out of Victim Mode

December 01, 2020 Juli Wenger Season 1 Episode 5
The Becoming Ourselves Podcast
UnBecoming Ourselves: Stepping Out of Victim Mode
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The Becoming Ourselves Podcast
UnBecoming Ourselves: Stepping Out of Victim Mode
Dec 01, 2020 Season 1 Episode 5
Juli Wenger

We've been spending a lot of time talking about becoming our best selves. About living our most powerful, passionate, and purposeful lives.

But what about when we don't? And what about that space we find ourselves in that isn't our most purposeful or passionate or powerful can actually help us move toward it?

That's where we are going in this mini series. Into the suck.

There's a lot of talk these days about the word empowerment. Empowered. Heck, I spend a lot of time talking about empowerment. It's kinda my jam.

And that's cool, but what's the flip side?


CONNECT WITH ME

Instagram: @juliwenger

Facebook: - ww.facebook.com/becomingourselvespodcast

LinkedIn: Juli Wenger 

Website: https://www.juliwenger.com/

Show Notes Transcript

We've been spending a lot of time talking about becoming our best selves. About living our most powerful, passionate, and purposeful lives.

But what about when we don't? And what about that space we find ourselves in that isn't our most purposeful or passionate or powerful can actually help us move toward it?

That's where we are going in this mini series. Into the suck.

There's a lot of talk these days about the word empowerment. Empowered. Heck, I spend a lot of time talking about empowerment. It's kinda my jam.

And that's cool, but what's the flip side?


CONNECT WITH ME

Instagram: @juliwenger

Facebook: - ww.facebook.com/becomingourselvespodcast

LinkedIn: Juli Wenger 

Website: https://www.juliwenger.com/

Welcome to the becoming ourselves podcast where we believe that you are created on purpose with purpose and for a purpose. I'm Juli Wenger, a women's empowerment and identity coach and enneagram two committed to helping you step out of overwhelm perfectionism and self sabotage.

Listen in to learn how to take back your power, uncover the stories and patterns that keep you small and lean into living your most powerful, purposeful and passionate life.
Let's dive in.

This is the beginning of the unbecoming ourselves series. I wanted to jump into this because I'm seeing struggle in the world. Right now I'm seeing this second wave of COVID really take hold, especially where I am in Canada, and people are struggling. So I want to talk about the flip side, about what happens when we're not in our power. What happens when we're not living our passion and our purpose? what exists on that side? And how does that help us get towards and move towards living that purposeful, passionate and powerful life. So that's where we're going in this miniseries, the unbecoming episodes, we're going straight into the suck. There's a lot of talk these days about the word empowerment, empowered hacker, I spend a lot of time talking about empowerment, because it's kind of my jam. It's the target. And that's cool. But what's the flip side? If empowerment is that life happens for me, even the crappy things are building me and teaching me then the flip is victim space. Did you recoil just a little bit, physically respond to the word victim? Good. because not many humans raise their hand and say, hey, I want to be a victim, at least not consciously. It's a word we associate with weakness, with a lack of safety with protection.

But what I mean by victim is life is happening to me. Things are happening that are outside of my control, which is life, right? Things happen that we can't control. Things happen that suck. That's what's driving this series here has been full of suck, full of circumstances that are beyond our control. And defaulting to why is this happening to me, isn't inherently bad. Frankly, this isn't a conversation about good or bad. This is about power. This is about your power. This is about the things happening. And then the subsequent story that you wrap around it. It's about whether you choose a story that will build you and help you step through the stuck to embrace the suck, little Brene Brown nod right there? Or do you choose a story that gives your power away, that gives your power to the circumstances that gives your power to other people that gives your power to the government that gives your power to the privileged. Let's jump back to me getting COVID here for a sec. Victim mode. Victim mindset would have looked like I can't believe this is happening to me, my life is over. I need to cancel my business appointments. I'm going to lose traction and money. I wish someone would just get a damn vaccine already. And then we usually start blaming and shaming. I can't believe someone came to the retreat that had this stupid virus. What were they thinking? I hope they feel like shit, what's wrong with people, and we spiral. And with every lap down on the spiral of shaming and blaming, and this happened to me, we buy more and more into the story. We don't believe we deserve it. We're owed something better. But that's something is in someone else's control. This story becomes real. It becomes true to us. It influences our emotions, our behaviors, our choices and how we show up everywhere in our lives.

By comparison, empowering, empowered, when I got COVID looks like getting pulled into victim for a moment, taking a breath, breaths important here, and then saying, okay, Julie,
you're resilient. You've made it through more than this. What if we take a hot minute and get curious about what's so triggering? What if we take a minute and look at what are the stories that are coming up and do they serve us? And yes, I do talk to myself like this. While victim might say you're so stupid for going to this thing. empowered mindset says okay, I made a choice and ended up here. I need to be responsible because I believe in radical self responsibility and owning my part of things and looking at how could I improve it next time.
How can I change it? What can I put in place? It'll make this different moving forward. But ultimately, things have ended up here. So how is this for me? What are the gifts? What are the lessons? victim is staying stuck? choosing? I'm not enough, know that I'm not enough story. Do you know that's a choice victim is letting your inner critic drive the bus.

Whereas empowered is making a choice to stop saying I can't. And I don't know how, because those are bullshit stories and they mask them choosing not to empowered space is a continual choosing. Let me say that again. Because I want you to hear me on this empowered space requires continual choosing. It's continually watching for the slip into feeling sorry for ourselves or blaming or shaming, and then taking action to do something about it. And to not stay there. This is the key not staying there. And look, there's a time to allow the feelings and sit in the suck.

Too often, we try to bury what's coming up, we try to shove it aside to bypass it. But part of the lessons that are empowered self can leverage live in experiencing the SEC. And I get it this year feels like it was supposed to be something it was supposed to have ones that don't feel possible anymore. It was supposed to have dreams come true. And weddings happen and connection exists that just doesn't always feel within reach right now. And it might not actually be there is a collective grieving, that's been happening for all of us, we must allow space for that. But allowing doesn't look like feeling sorry for ourselves, and giving our power to the events. It looks like taking one step forward at a time, trusting ourselves to come through it and looking for the lessons continually what we feel was supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to, or it would have. You were here in this exact moment for a reason. So while we're in the space of talking about victim and unbecoming ourselves, I'm going to talk a little bit about radical self responsibility.

Because one of the tools that has been so helpful for me in spending less time in victim space, and more and more empowered, is essentially looking at how is everything my fault, which sounds really negative, but it drives home the point of what am I bringing to every interaction in every situation that is contributing to creating an environment where something can happen. And look, we've already touched on how there are things that happen in life that we can't control. Right, I could walk across the street next week and get hit by a car. That's not my fault. And this is one of the best analogies that I've heard for the self responsibility. defense against, you know, like, well, I can't control everything. No, you can't. Right, you can't control other people. You can't control events that randomly happen. However, we get to control our response. We get to control what the stories are that we wrap around the experiences, we get to control how we shift how we change how we interpret. And that's what self responsibility looks like.

It's saying, okay, that happened. That kind of sucks. I'm going to first embrace the suck. And then I'm going to look for what's the lesson specifically as How could I have responded differently? What could I have done differently? How could I create, you know, in my business, or in my systems for supporting me and my general day to day life? How can I create something that will not allow for a situation like this to happen again, and I see this happen with my kids all the time, right? Because I am not a perfect pyramid. And I have days where I show up in ways that I don't want to show up. This weekend, I showed up for my kids and ways like I don't want to show up because I was kind of drained. And I was kind of stressed out. And my husband was off doing something for him which I am thrilled about because we all need to be doing things for ourselves right now. And I had not done a good job of showing up for me during the week. So when I got drained and they triggered me a little bit because our kids trigger us right for all the parents who are listening to this no one triggers us like our kids. They kind of got the worst of me they got to experience what mom looks like when mom gets triggered into
victim space. And that's not easy to talk about. But we need to talk about these things. Because we get pulled there. And sometimes we could see ourselves getting pulled there. And sometimes it's still hard to step out even after doing all of this self awareness and discovery work. I'm not perfect.
So
I had to look at it as I got through the weekend, as I hate what needs to change in me, because I can blame my little guy for grabbing the nail polish and painting half his foot red. And, you know, that could be a little, that's why I flipped out. Or I could look at, you know, what was happening in me that I would react so impulsively, and kind of slipped my lid with him. Right? Like, what are you doing and like panic, am I gonna be able to get the nail polish off the floor, like real life examples of stuff that happens sometimes. But he's three, he has no context for this. This is not his fault. This is a you know, opportunity for him to learn something is an opportunity for us to have a conversation after with him and my six year old and say like, okay, mom overreacted, and it wasn't your fault. And you didn't actually do anything that you knew was wrong. And there was no intention of I'm going to do something that's a poor choice. It was, I'm going to do something fun. While I wait for mom to do whatever she is doing, and no idea that there's a consequence of like nail polish could get all over the couch cover in the floor. Right? I get to choose my response, and I chose poorly.
And then self responsibility required me to reflect and say what do I need to do to show up for me so that I am more grounded, and I am more calm, and I am more centered. So I can be the mom, I want to be for them.

It's not blaming, it's not pushing off on other people. And it's uncomfortable. Like this is the thing with radical self responsibility. This is a thing with empowerment space, this is the thing with stepping out of victim is it's not comfortable. And it requires us to look at us. It requires us to look in and deal with that crunchy gross feeling shame inducing crap.
Over here are the parts of me that I don't want to talk about here are the parts of me I don't want to acknowledge here's the parts of me that I don't want other people to see. Because I want them to get the polished version of me. I want them to think that I'm enough.
Which brings us to one other thing that I want to jump into with this whole victim to empowered space thing. And we're going to loop back to this as many times as it makes sense to as it comes into these conversations about because
oh man, I'm we're in victim space, below the surface of blaming other people and life's happening to me, there's often some shame showing up.

And as I'm talking about this story with my kids, I can't help but think about
the shame that shows up the mom guilt. But it's not really mom guilt, because there's a difference between guilt and shame, right. And I'm going to jump into Bernie or care for a second. Guilt being I made a poor choice. Shame being I am not enough. I am bad versus I made a bad choice. And we have to carefully walk that line and look at you know, what's the story we're telling ourselves because when shame shows up, we armor up, we armor up with our kids, we armor up with our spouses, we armor up with our friends, we armor up with the people who are communicating with and that can look like three things moving towards which I call people pleasing, moving away, which I refer to as like shrinking or running or silencing ourselves and moving against which is fighting shame of shame.

And we all show up differently. This is kind of like fight flight freeze, and we can make those comparisons. And we'll do that another day when we jump into this some more. But
what I've noticed, and this is an interesting part of the work to pay attention to as you're intentionally stepping out of spending time in victim space, is how am I interacting are my walls up? Or my masks on my trying to keep myself safe and protected? Am I trying to defend myself from something?

And what shows up for me first, this is really interesting. And now I can watch it as an observer is I move towards my people please to try and avoid the potential for something that could make me feel shame and then I move away. If that's not working. I shrink a little bit I give away my power.

Which is the epitome of victim space for me. And then the third, and I have a pretty long rope usually is fighting shameless shame. Swear people think I'm like all hugs, but there's some fire. But you got to push pretty hard usually to get at the fire. And when the fire comes out, I roar.
And what's interesting about this is that shows up either in situations where I have a really, really long rope that's been pulled on too hard for too long, or it shows up at home where I feel the safest. And it shows up with my kids at home where I feel the safest. And that's not fair to them. So all of that to say, we really get to watch in our different interactions, what are the patterns? And how are we showing up in ways that we don't want to show up?

How is it supporting us or not supporting us? Are we going to victim space to try and keep ourselves safe? Ultimately, from
not wanting to take responsibility for our part and things? Maybe.
And look, I want to jump back to this whole, we're supposed to be exactly where we are right now thing. And I want to tell you how I know that.


And that's because I've experienced it. This year, I've experienced it last year, I've experienced it while I've been on my own growth journey of looking at Okay, How's this for me? Okay, what's next? Okay, how is this building me for the next thing, because when I stepped into 2020, and I think this was a lot of us, we looked at January 2020. We're like, Man, this is the year of vision, and plans and exciting things. And it's gonna be amazing. And I had just launched this fledgling side gig coaching business, and I was going to coach real estate agents, and it was going to be amazing. And I was going to empower them to help more people than I could ever help myself. And we were going to grow our real estate business. And we were going to crush some financial targets, and we were going to make a difference. We're going to do all these things. And then in February, I'm sitting on the couch with my husband, and he's telling me about this meeting they had at work to plan for if this COVID thing,
hit, and I was like, What are you talking about? Because for those of you that don't know me very well, you might not know that I don't watch the news. I live in a bit of a bubble on purpose. Because garbage in garbage out. It's part of my mindset management, it's part of me staying empowered, is not flooding my mind with you know, panic, and news and things that are intended to cause fear and chaos in our minds that are intended to controller attention. And if something important is going to happen, someone's going to tell me. So here we were sitting on the couch, and something important is happening. And he's telling me and I googled it, and I was like you are overreacting, this is not going to hit here. So it's like h one n one, it's not going to be a big deal. I was wrong. And our schools shut down a month later, and the real estate market hit pause, like essentially complete stop for two months. And if I had been in a victim space, if I hadn't been doing my work, I would have panicked, I would have freaked out.
Like no income, our businesses are gonna go broke. I mean, I had like a day or two of a little bit of that, right. But I chose to step out of it because been doing the work. And I know when I'm in victim.

And so I started to look for houses for me.
We were fortunate in that our day home stayed open. I do want to caveat that because this wouldn't have been quite as easy for us to manage and do the pivots I'm going to talk about, if we had two littles running around at home, this is something that I'm really grateful for. But I looked at life and I was like, You know what, I can build this new business, I can start showing up more as a coach I can get through my school and my credentialing process, because I believe it's important for coaches to have some education. I can get through that faster, I can build my toolkit faster. And it was this really cool opportunity because I saw it as that to realign to what I value to realign to how I want my life to look, it gave me this pause like when we go on a really good vacation. You know, when you get away from your life, and you see your life in a whole different perspective because you're not in the middle of it. Because it's quiet.

I had that for my real estate business for almost two months. I was still checking in and still talking to people are still you know, doing a few things. But
I had this opportunity to get context. And we're going to talk about that a couple of weeks. I'm gonna be real transparent with you about that shift, because it was a big deal.
But here's

What I know is that without that, I wouldn't be where I am now. So what my plans were that I was holding so tightly. They weren't what was meant to happen for me. They weren't what was highest and best for me. This is where I am right now talking to you on a podcast. That's been a dream of mine for a long time running a conference, that has been a dream of ours, Sophia and mine for a long time. And I'm so grateful for that.
So as we step into 2021,

start looking for houses for you. How is this actually incredible? What are the lessons and what's the self responsibility that's icky and not fun that you get to not have to or need to, but get to lean into to be able to experience that kind of a shift.

Next week, we're going to continue the unbecoming episodes and talk about some more of that shift and some more of what happens when we're leaning into not the best versions of us. Until then, please like and subscribe to our podcast. I would love if you would leave us a review if you've enjoyed this episode. And this is your loving reminder that you are light and joy and strength and grace and love, and that you're always in love, and that everything is for you. Now that I'm done yelling at you