The Becoming Ourselves Podcast

The 3 Keys to Building Healthy Community

September 22, 2022 Juli Wenger Episode 113
The Becoming Ourselves Podcast
The 3 Keys to Building Healthy Community
Show Notes Transcript

If you're ready to uplevel your people and live your purpose, you're going to need to approach building the circle around you from a place of intentionality. Why? Because nothing takes us out like social tension and friend group or family drama. And you can't afford to be pulled off track! 

 This week, we're covering the 3 keys of building healthy community. Make sure you tune in for this one - it might just save you from yourself.
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Juli Wenger:

Welcome to becoming ourselves, the podcast, where we help you answer the questions Who Am I? And why am I here. And then we help you get out of your own way because the world is waiting for you to show up and own your power. You have been placed on this earth for purpose, with purpose and on purpose by a God who loves you fiercely. And he has called you to something that has been specifically created for you right now. I'm Juli Wenger. I'm a coach and author, speaker and Enneagram teacher, a Jesus lover and an entrepreneur that rocks ADHD, I am passionate about helping you step into the life you've called to, that something you know is possible, but haven't been able to reach. So buckle up, because it's not always an easy ride. But on the other side, is a life that is fired up to filled. Let's go. All right. This week on the podcast, we are back into our series called permission slips. And today, we are circling back to this conversation around people. Last week, we were talking about the four types of people you do and do not meet in your life, who is going to build you who is taking from you, who's going to support you and call you up? And who is just going to keep you tied to where you are, because they're committed to staying the same. This week, though, this week, we got to talk about traveling together, we get to talk about the bigger picture community. What do you do when you find those people? What do you do when you have those people? What do you do when you're building community, not just you and one other person and that interpersonal dynamic and that relational dynamic that exists? But what about when we're in a bigger community? What about when we are in a larger family environment? What are what are the things that really make the difference in growing together in moving forward together in having and maintaining those healthy relationships, whether those people exhibit encourager traits, or challenge or traits, or, or empathizer traits or mentor traits. So we're going to talk about the three keys, there are three things that are absolutely fundamental, when we are stepping into building and engaging with community. So let's jump right in because we're gonna keep this short and sweet today. Number one, this is a concept that came out of running a lot of group coaching programs and being in group coaching programs. And we talked about something called Safe Space. Now, safe space, generally speaking, is a space where we can step into and we can be vulnerable, we can know that what we say will be held within the confidentiality of that space, that we won't be met with judgment, that we won't be met with condemnation or criticism, but that we will be supported. And that the people in that space with us will empathize with us that they will see beyond the stuff or see beyond the mess of our lives, and see instead who we are. So let's take that a little deeper. What is the number one thing that is mandatory and fundamental for building healthy community love one another. When I was thinking about this recently, and I was breaking it down into these categories, John 1512, came into mind, love each other in the same way I have loved you. Now, there is a piece of this, that regardless of where you sit in terms of a faith or spirituality, standpoint, whatever your relationship with God looks like or doesn't look like loving the people in your community well, will improve the quality and the stability and the health of the communities that you are in your family communities, your friendly communities, your spiritual communities, all the groups, all the spaces where you show up. To bring it back though, to this verse to this passage. What does that mean love each other in the same way I have loved you. So let's just back up here for a hot second. So this is Jesus talking. And this is where he is telling us this is what I want you to do. This is how I want you to show up. The greatest command is this. Love your god with all your heart, and then he jumps into and, and then right once you're doing that, which means you've learned how to love, which means you've learned how to receive love, then you can go love each other. In the same way I've loved you. So what does that look like? Number one, it is sacrificial, there is a putting everyone else and what their long term needs are, what their issues are, how we can help putting that ahead of our own comfort, putting that ahead of our own gain of our own trajectory of our own momentum. Now, that's not to say, taking responsibility for other people's stuff. That's not to say we are carrying people because remember, Care Plus worry equals carrying. And from a boundaries perspective, we still need to allow other people to take responsibility for their own lives, there still needs to be a line between what is mine and what is theirs? And what is okay and what is not okay, and how can I serve? How can I be for someone else? How can I lend myself my gifts, my strengths, my capacity, my ability to you, for you. So that's the sacrificial piece. And then there's also this piece of compassion. Now we live in a shame culture, and shame culture tells you that you are either good or bad, and that's your identity, or you are either success or failure. And that is your identity. And that's not how he functioned. It was, I see beyond the stuff I see beyond your stories I see beyond your past, I see beyond your decisions, I can have compassion for you. Instead of showing up and outwardly judging and shaming and making you feel like garbage, just to make you feel like garbage. Because either you hit a bar or you don't. Instead, it's showing up from a place of love, and a place of grace, instead of a place of judgment and shame. While still okay, while being sacrificial and compassionate, still being honest. still calling people out on what's not okay, still saying something when we see someone going down a path or a trajectory that we can clearly see is not going to end well. loving people is not this timid, all hugs all softness all the time thing, we have to be willing to step into fire to step into tension with the people, we love, to fight for them, when they're not in a position to fight for themselves. So we love one another, we put each other first we care about each other, we show up for each other, we have compassion. Let's jump to number two. When we step beyond safe space, there's also been this concept that has come up over and over and over again, in my experience and my practice called Brave space. Now, your journey will require you to step beyond the comfort of the familiar and the easy. It's not going to be comfortable. It's not going to be all roses and butterflies, and oh look, this is so fun. And life is amazing all the time. It's just not. That's not how things are going to work. So we get to step into communities and step into environments with these people we're intentionally traveling together with that we are going through life with and we get to choose to show up courageously. Here's what's cool, though, for those of you who are Jesus followers, and for those of you who aren't Stay curious here because this is such a beautiful thing. We don't have to manufacture this courage. It's not just an exercise in Do I have the motivation? Do I have enough regulation units to choose to do this today? We don't have to come up with the courage on our own. We instead get to take courage. Now I've had this conversation with God a lot of times, okay a lot. And he reminds me always that he is abundance personified. And that he will equip me To do what it is that he is asking me and calling me to do. And that includes strengthening me and rooting me and giving me the courage that I need to step through what the fear. Because all of the things that get in the way, as we're walking in our purpose and walking out our calling, are tied to fear, fear of social rejection, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear, of fear, of fear of all of our habits, all our patterns, all of the things we do that get in our own way, they're all tied back to fear. If we have courage, though, and we know that we are walking with, with a God who is custom built us, and continues to equip us and give us what we need to do what he's asking us to do. We know that what is there to be afraid of. And he's just like, I'm just standing here, with all this courage. And all you have to do is open up your hands and be willing to take it. That's it. Just take some don't create it, take some. And that's what I love about this is unlike the, the world perspective, where it's like I kind of make everything happen. I got to do it on my own. He's just like, No, no, that's way too much hustle and push. We're not doing that here. Here's what you need. Now go do the thing I told you to do. Now, I will digress here and say he's not terribly concerned with our comfort, sometimes. It's not about is this easy. But he does promise to walk in front of us and behind us and to place our steps and to straighten our path and to give us what we need to do what he's calling us to do. The other piece of being strong and courageous, right. So number one, love one another. Number two, key thing be strong and courageous, is part of being courageous is the surrender that's required to go through our journey. And we get to support each other and loving one another as we individually journey and work on this. Can I trust you thing in our relationship with God? And if you're not in that space, there's still this element of, can I trust this next phase? Can I trust this next step and to have the people that believe in me? We need to know though, that we will have to not just choose to show up courageously and stepping through fear. We also need to choose courageously and continually to open our hands and say, Okay, what are we doing today? What is it that I need to give you God? What is it that I need you to take? What is it that you want from me and be responsive, be in a space of active obedience of move on he says move and go when he says Go and stop when he says stop and rest when he says rest. And that is literally what I have on my whiteboard in my office. slow everything down, move. When I say move, give when I say give go when I say go. I'm taking the hustle out of my house. I first heard that when from Mike Todd, I think I've referenced it on the podcast before but it just lands in this time of coming back to a new normal post COVID ish. Both my brothers have COVID right now. So it's kind of post COVID. But it's not, and of coming into a new season. And maybe you're listening to this down the road and it's not the fall of 2022. But there's always season there's always a shift that's coming and that may be a physical season or it may be a life season. There is this open hands posture required to journey with him. That requires courage requires strength. And yet this Be strong and courageous has always landed with me as kind of twofold. One is do this thing. I'm telling you to do this. So go do this. There's also this angle though. That just lands in my soul of it's more than just a more than an instruction. It's also a command it's also the word speaking into existence. When I think about Let there be light and there was light be He's strong and courageous, like it's already in you. I already put it there. Just be available to it. So we'll pause that one there for today. And get into this last point. So the third thing, once we get through love one another, and we get through being strong and courageous, those things are operating in our space, those things are operating in our community, then we get to do this, we traveled together. And we talked a bit about this last week on the podcast. However, I want to circle back here, because this is really important. We were not built to go on our journey, and walk out our calling alone. And we're gonna get into a conversation about staying in our own lane. As we get further into this permission slip series. For now, though, know that it is not the intention or the point for us to be running solo, it is not the design for us living out our calling that were custom built for. And that is custom built for us. For us to be traveling alone. We are meant to be supported and supporting. We support other people we're traveling with, they support us, we encourage each other. This is where those people come into play. Right? Do we have the people that are encouraging us? And are we encouraging others that are on the journey with us? Do we have those who are calling us out and challenging us? And are we challenging the people that we're on the journey with? are we traveling together in the context of inspiring and motivating and calling each other up and listening to each other and holding safe space for those that we're traveling with. And we're going to come back to Ephesians 416, we talked about on the last episode. For context, this is Paul, and he's locked up in jail right now. And it's not pretty. And he says, while I'm locked up here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and walk better yet run on the road. God called you to travel. So he's encouraging. Okay, go do this thing. Go out there, go do this thing. And then he says, I don't want you strolling off down some path that goes nowhere. I don't want any of you sitting around on your hands. And do this with humility and discipline. So that sounds like encouragement, not so much. We're into the challenging area, right? Go do this thing. And do it this way. Not that way. I don't want any y'all. I don't want any of y'all sitting around on your hands. But we got important stuff to do. And I'm here, but you're gonna go do the things. So there's this belief in them. There is this call to them. There's just encouragement for them. And also this kick in the pants. And then he talks about something specific that's important to community that we haven't really talked about yet today. And as I'm looking at it, I want to touch on it. Travel, we're traveling, not in fits and starts but steadily. So we're moving on we're keeping moving. Here's a piece pouring yourself out for each other and acts of love. So that's loving one another alert at noticing differences and quick mending fences, mending fences, forgiveness, empathy, compassion, you see how this all fits together? If we have community, and we're not quick to notice the things that are going sideways, we're not quick to notice that, hey, there's a difference in opinion here that we need to navigate. There's a difference in values here that we need to navigate. There's something that's showing up that could cause division, or cause tension, or there is already tension. If we're not paying attention and doing something about that things can turn not great, real fast. Things can get toxic, things can get painful. We can get distracted and pulled off track because we're having this interpersonal stuff that is not loving each other, and is not being strong and courageous. And starts to divert us from traveling together. So he's saying, Don't do that. Pay attention, be attentive. And when you notice these things, figure it out, come back together. And then he says this, you're all called to travel on the same road in the same direction. So stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one master one faith, one baptism, one God one father of all, who rules overall. works through all and is present in all everything you do, are everything you are and think and do is permeated with oneness. The one NISS exists when we intentionally approach community, from a place of love, from a place of courage, from a place of commitment to come together, to figure things out, to move together to support each other. And when we have that, there's this book that I love. It's called Soul cares by Dr. Rob Bremer. And he talks about this concept called true community. He says, quote, a community where people live open, honest, and confessional lives in a culture of grace. There's no hiding and pretending secrets are toxic to the well being of your soul. If you're going to experience breakthroughs, then you must resolve to live confessional lives with no secrets. And quote, this can happen in community this can happen in healthy community that is committed to these three principles to these three foundational keys. So we're going to leave that there for this week and spend some time thinking about who are the people that you're traveling with? And you can take the content from last episode and evaluate Do I have the right people? Am I the right people? How am I showing up and then intentionally look at how do I show up in the communities that I am going to invest my time and my energy in, in a way that adheres to loving one another, being strong and courageous, and traveling together. The next time we're going to talk about staying in your own lane, and dealing with comparison, because that can pull us out of community and off track and living on our calling so fast. So if you haven't, make sure you hit the subscribe button so that you can listen to that episode next time. Until then, all my love and Virtual hugs. I hope this episode stirred something up in you or gave you some hope. Until next time, know that you are enough that everything in you that has been placed in you has been put there to help you carry out the calling that is on your life. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please please please hop into wherever you listen to podcasts and leave a positive review for us. And any links that we mentioned during the episode will be in your show notes. So make sure to check those out too. Until next time, be love. Be joy. Be strong and courageous and be too much. I dare you