The Becoming Ourselves Podcast

The 4 Types of People You Do and Don't Need in Your Life

September 08, 2022 Juli Wenger Episode 112
The Becoming Ourselves Podcast
The 4 Types of People You Do and Don't Need in Your Life
Show Notes Transcript

Are you being intentional about who you're spending time with? On who you're allowing to determine the direction and quality of your life? If you aren't, it's time. The wrong people will kill your calling and pull you from purpose. The right ones will propel you. This episode is all about how to tell the difference.

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Juli Wenger:

Welcome to becoming ourselves, the podcast, where we help you answer the questions Who Am I? And why am I here. And then we help you get out of your own way because the world is waiting for you to show up and own your power. You have been placed on this earth for purpose, with purpose and on purpose by a God who loves you fiercely. And he has called you to something that has been specifically created for you right now. I'm Juli Wenger. I'm a coach and author, speaker and Enneagram teacher, Jesus lover, and an entrepreneur that rocks ADHD. I am passionate about helping you step into the life you've called to, that something you know is possible, but haven't been able to reach. So buckle up, because it's not always an easy ride. But on the other side,


is a life that is fired up to filled. Let's go

Juli Wenger:

Welcome back to the podcast. It's our first episode of season six, post summer break. I've got to tell you, it was lovely to take a little bit of time off recording and posting and processing and all of the things that come with producing a podcast for nearly two years. And this season is all about unapologetic authenticity and bold faith and fearless courage. Here's where we're going. This episode is all about people, people, people people, because the quality of the people in our lives determine the direction and quality of our life. And I didn't make that up. That's straight up Andy Stanley. Now, you've probably heard stuff like you become the average of the five people you spend the most time with, which is classic, Jim Rohn. And it's true. And it's important. Why? Well, number one, because this has been like the latest spiritual to buy for to the head for me of Everywhere I look, people who I respect, people who I look up to people in my life generally are talking about writing about posting about people, community, who is it that you're surrounding yourself with. And I think this is interesting in terms of timing, because we are coming out of the first summer where a lot of us have been able to be with people to travel to start to lean back into community. And personally now, you know, I'm dropping off the kids at school, and I'm connecting with more of the parents. And we're getting more rooted into what is no longer a new church, I guess for us. And so community is very front and center. And there were some relationships that didn't survive the pandemic, there are some relationships that haven't survived the changes. In Me, there are some relationships where it's just been time to shift. So how do we evaluate the shift? How do we ensure that we are not just being complacent and comfortable, but that we are giving thought and intention to Who am I spending time with and what does that look like? So if you got the newsletter, you would have seen the high level of this a couple of weeks ago, and if you don't get the newsletter, then I'll drop a link in the show notes. And you can sign up for fired up power notes from Julie, which usually comes out every week. And we are talking about the four types of people that you need in your life and the four types of people that you don't the people that are taking you out the people that are killing your calling. The cost is too high for that. Okay, it just is. I first want to preface this with a quick quote from the book. And shameless plug if you don't have fired up, fulfilled and free yet go to Amazon and get it because it's going to change your life or someone's life that you're connected to. Here's the quote, while boldly living your purpose in the power of who God created you to be can function as a permission slip, for others to live their most powerful and authentic lives. Our lives can also function as a mirror that reflects the shortcomings of others. And sometimes there isn't a willingness to adapt or meet us where we are. Sometimes we have to let people go that are no longer in alignment with us as we move in the direction we are called to. That isn't necessarily a them thing, or an us thing, but purely a we aren't on the same page enough for me to be supported by maintaining this relationship thing, and quote, why I want to highlight this is that when we talk about the people we don't need sometimes people take that into the space of, are you just telling me to cut out people in my life? What if that person who is exhibiting these traits that you're talking about people I don't need is like, my mother, or my husband or my best friend or like, No, we're not saying just blow up relationships. Okay? This is really important to understand. We are though talking about boundaries, we are talking about being intentional about how much time and space you allow those relationships to take up in your life. And we're talking about which ones are worth fighting for, which ones are worth really leaning into. And you know, if it's a marriage, of course, it's worth fighting for, and leaning into and trying to figure out that gap. But it might also be someone who you just defaulted into hanging out with for a number of years, and it'd be easy to drift or shift out of that space or put up some hardline boundaries with them. So let's dive into the four types of people that you need and do not need in your life. Number one, you need encouragers. Now, why do we need encouragers? And who are they encouragers? Are those people in your life who always build you up? And they're excited about what's next? And they're excited about what's possible, and they see what you're capable of, and they tell you, and you can pick up on and take on this energy from them, oh, yeah, I can, I am capable, I can do this, I do have that capacity, and you believe in me, so just borrow your faith in me until I build my own. And I want you to think about who in your life might be this kind of person. One of my examples for this kind of person is my friend Jason and I will be having the most frustrating day. And I will open up my Instagram and there will be like nine plus messages from Jason because that's how many Instagram will show you is there. So I'll see this list of messages. And it's like Julie, and he's excited. And he is like, go do the things and conquer and accomplish and I believe in you. And we have this like emoji language, we just send each other emojis all the time, so like fire emojis and superhero emojis and all of these things. And I'm like, right, right? You remind me who I am. You remind me how God sees me, you remind me how people outside of the swirl of my life, see me because sometimes we get stuck in our mind. And we need people who will lift us up out of it. Those are the encouragers. And if you're thinking I don't know if I have one of those. This whole evaluating who is in your life, and starting to think about up leveling your people is urgent. Okay? This is something that needs attention ASAP. Because probably, if you're not surrounded by encouragers, or you don't have those encouragers in your life, you've got these people what we don't need number one. downers. I say this with all compassion, okay? We've all been these people. We might be these people right now. And we get to choose to not be these people. And we can love these people. But we also need to have healthy boundaries. downers are the people who see the worst all the time. They're the people who tell you you can't they tell you you shouldn't they project this life happens to you story mentality mindset on to you. I don't think I could, or I tried once and I failed. So that's going to happen to you too. And that's not truth. That's not reality. That is just a story. It's a mental construct. It is their ego, engaging in saying, I need to stay safe. I need the people around me not to change because then that changes my life. And I don't do change because our ego wants what certainty definitiveness and control period. That's how it tries to keep us safe. So when the people around us change, we're like, Whoa, what is happening? When we change the people around us are like, we had a subconscious unwritten agreement, social contract. I show up this way. You show up that way. We interact this way. We all know how this rolls, but we change and then their ego essentially goes WTF. So downers the people who make you question your capability, the people who make you question your worthiness. Those are the people that we consciously get to choose how much energy and time if any, am I willing to give to this relationship? And it might be a family member or an extended family member and you may be in a position When you say you know what, maybe instead of a whole weekend together, let's do a day. Right? How can we create some boundaries and some space, especially while we work on creating more resilience, more confidence, more rootedness in ourselves. When we get to this place of truly bold faith, unapologetic authenticity, and fearless courage, we can interact in those relationships in a way where they don't impact us or they don't impact us as quickly or they don't impact us as deeply, because we've done our own healing. And we've done our own work. And we've done our own rising above, and being able to just approach them from a place of compassion. So we can love these people and still have healthy boundaries. Number two, we need challengers, tree shakers, people who are not going to allow us to stay status quo. Now I'm married to one of these and this is more than just an Enneagram type, okay, I'm married to an Enneagram eight, which literally are called the challengers. But it is not restricted to that. And sidebar, people can be multiple of these different categories of things, because I made them up, okay, so it's not like you're in a box. And that's you. And that's it. And Dustin is willing to call me on my crap. He is willing to say, what needs to be said he is willing to flag things. Instead of people pleasing and allowing me to walk right into my blind spots. He will ask questions, and he will speak things out that he sees coming and that he sees his patterns. And it's a good thing as much as it's not fun. The challengers in our lives remind us to stay out of people pleasing, they remind us to stay out of, for me booking myself too solid that I am recovering from that overachiever recovery. These are people in our lives for like, hold up, back up the truck. We're not doing this again. And I do this with clients all the time, which is hilarious to me because I used to people please so hard that wouldn't have even been on my radar. But it's like, just timeout veto card, red flag, stop, stop it. Stop it. Because here's where where you've been before. And here's what the pattern is. And here's what I see from my zoomed out space, which is part of why having the right people in our life matters because they can zoom out and they can see things we can't see. And those challengers will be like, Hey, you might not see this, but I do. And I'm willing to deal with conflict. And I'm willing to deal with you not being happy with me. And I'm willing to deal with the fallout that might exist, because I care about you enough to tell you what I see. And to give it to you straight. And to do my best to shake you out of whatever default habit or pattern is showing up right now. Now, what we don't need number two apathetic people. Okay, these are people that again, we can love, but they're the people who just like myth, myth, they might, they might see something coming, they might see a drift into an old pattern. They might, they might not because they might not be paying that much attention. But they're those people who are comfortable, who are committed to their default way of being who maybe aren't reaching. They aren't growing, they're not moving towards their own calling. And this is an important piece, right? It's when we are clear on Okay, God's calling me to something. He wants me to go this way. We need to be moving together and marching together because we're not built to do this. courageous and challenging. And perseverance is required, kind of work by ourselves. We're built for community. We're built for connection. And when I look at this from this faith perspective, and this Jesus follower perspective, I think about this concept of us being the body, right, the body is not meant to function with just like one finger off by itself. It doesn't work well. And I love this concept in Ephesians 4126 that says, in light of all this, here's what I want you to do. While I'm locked up here prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and walk better yet run on the road. God called you to travel. Okay, so timeout number one here. We are meant to be moving. We are not meant to be stuck. We are not meant to be myth about life. And he continues on saying I don't want any of you sitting around in your hands. I don't want anyone strolling off down somewhere. If that goes nowhere, and mark that you do this with humility and discipline, not in fits and starts, but steadily. Like we keep marching, we keep moving, and we need those people who will pull us along and who we can pull along, as we all move in the same direction. And it says pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love alert at noticing differences and quickly mending fences. So not only are we moving together, but we are caring for each other. And then this is the piece, okay, that really hits home for me, in this context of the people, you were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together. Now, I have this picture in my head. And this has been very consistent for a while of this multi lane highway, fresh pavement and it just goes straight. And it goes on and on and on and on, which is easy for me to imagine because I grew up in Saskatchewan, and it's very flat in the southern half of Saskatchewan. But I also have this visual of all of these lanes like they also go sideways, as far as you can see. And it's like we're all lined up side by side in our own lane, on our own path, but all moving in the same direction as like this front, moving forward together, and keeping everyone in step in position to be used to make a difference to accomplish what we are custom built for. And to live into what has been custom built for us. For us. Now I could just go totally down the rabbit Hill on this. But key point, okay, we're traveling together, and we're moving. So this whole apathetic thing of apathetic people. They're not going to call us on things, they're not going to call us up to our highest and best, and they're usually not moving. And if we become the average of the people, we're around, we stop moving. Or we slow way down, because we've got these anchors holding us in place that we have to drag along, or that we just can't move. Number three, who do we need empathizers. When this context, first came, that person who came to mind for me this my friend, Kim, and Kim is also a challenger. Okay, but like I said before, people can fit multiple categories, because I made them up. And because we don't put people in boxes around here. Anyway, Kim is one of these people that I can call when things are frustrating. And they're going sideways. And I need to vent, and maybe I'm angry, or maybe I am just I've had it. PE She's someone who will listen and someone who will make that effort to understand what I'm feeling. And who will make an effort to see things from my perspective. And it's important sometimes for us to have safe spaces where we can get stuff out where we can process the difficult emotions, where we can move through and metabolize some of those emotions because otherwise it can get stuck in our body, which is a whole nother conversation for a whole nother day. And here's what's beautiful about empathizers she will affirm my value, she will tell me that I'm awesome. She will tell me that she loves me she will not let me shame spiral because shame cannot survive empathy. Brene Brown 101 Shame does not survive empathy. And things that trigger shame in us do not survive. being spoken. There is this release that comes when we speak things out. And there's also a fear component sometimes right and fear when we're in a space of love, and especially when we're looking at the way that God loves us the perfect love says perfect love casts out all fear. There's no space for it. Fears darkness, there's no darkness where he is. And from a human perspective, that love from this friend takes that fear and it just it pushes it back. And it makes it seem less powerful. It makes it seem like it has less weight than it did before. The other thing though, then this is really important because this is a differentiator between this group and the other group. In addition to affirming my value. She won't let me tell myself a whole bunch of stories. There is this space for Okay, get it out. And then there's a space for now what are you going to do about it? What does you and your power do next? How do you handle it in a way that's in alignment with you know what, and that keeps us out of the space of the we don't need number three commiserate errs that commiserate or space. And this is so common in Western society. And this is so common on Facebook and Instagram and Tiktok. And all the places. It's like, let's have a contest about whose problems are worse. Let's just feed off of each other's negativity, let's feed off of each other scarcity. Let's just swirl in that space of entitlement, and victim, and things happen to us. And it's not healthy. And when we have relationships with commiserate, errs, usually, most of our conversations with them revolve around what's not going well, and what should have happened. And who were to blame for that. And what's interesting to me, because I see this in my practice, when clients shift, and when they step into their power, and when they start living into their calling, and they build these businesses and these careers that are so fulfilling for them, and that are successful by their own standards, some of these old relationships that they have carried for years. They just don't fit anymore. And I'll ask questions about what's changed? Well, they don't get it, they don't get me anymore. And sometimes these show up with a downers. Okay, that's a pretty typical blend. No, you can't do that. And I tried that one time, and I couldn't and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it's usually very self focused. So it's not actually listening to you and empathizing with you and holding space for you and affirming you, and then saying, Okay, what's next? empathizers are empowering, commiserate, errs are disempowering. There are so many relationships built on this as a foundation of commiserating together. And so we'll see these people back to this example changing and shifting and in these relationships that just don't fit. And they have nothing to talk about with these friends anymore, because they don't want to spend their time complaining or seeing the negatives and things because they've retrained their brain, because they've changed the way they think, to look for the opportunities, and to look for what's possible. Okay, number four, we need mentors. This one's really important, okay. We can try to do everything ourselves, and be self made, and push our way through and force our way through and hustle and make it happen. Or we could maybe look to people who have accomplished what it is that we are called to accomplish, or something similar, who have gone through something that we are facing, and have context and have some understanding of what might work to help you step through the challenge that's in front of you. Someone who has built the systems or recovered and healed from the grief, someone who has stepped out of their comfort zone in a phenomenal and surprising ways someone who has raised kids that you look to and say, Wow, we have this opportunity to leapfrog some of the challenges that will come up in our path. And yes, we are called to face things. And there is a point to that there is a point of building endurance and building steadfastness and building perseverance, so that we are equipped for the thing that we're called to. And so that God can show up in that and say, Hey, look at all this stuff that they faced. And they're still on the other side of it. And look what I did with that. I was reading last night with my daughter, the story about Joseph, and how his brothers sold him into slavery and all this bad stuff happened. Like if we really look objectively instead of I'm reading a Bible story, and it's all rainbows and butterflies. If we really look at it, we see someone who was traumatized. Who was a band andand, who was put into situation after situation that sucked beyond anything that most of us can imagine or understand. And then gets put into a position of leading an entire country at 30. And saving a whole, like more than one nation of people, that he did big things, but he faced some really awful things. Okay, so yes, there is a piece of there are going to be things that we face, and they're going to be things that we can't jump over, but we have to move through. And sometimes mentors are helpful for us determining that too. And what are the things that we can learn from other people's experiences, so that we don't have to face extra challenges so that we are not creating roadblocks in our way that don't have to exist because often these mentors will show up in our lives, because God placed in there. But if our pride gets in the way, because that's what gets in the way, pride, I can do it all figured out. Nothing's wrong, I don't need help. But he's like, but I put them there. So that you have the tools and you're equipped. And we can move faster through this thing that will still build you. Mentors have this capacity to help us move along our path of our calling more efficiently. We can benefit from their perspective, we can know that someone else gets it, we can have conversations with people who are on the other side, or a few steps ahead of what we're facing. We can borrow their map, which again, I did not make up as another Andy Stanley thing. He's just full of amazingness. Okay, like the way he breaks things down. Anyway, there's value to that. And this is one of the great joys for me. And one of the things that fires me up on the regular because I still serve a lot of real estate professionals. It's hilarious, actually. And I mean, it makes sense because I spent so many years in that space. But I get to function as a mentor. And I get to teach them the things that I learned the hard way I get to help them work through how do I not deal with that? How do I not go on a detour? How do I not get pulled off track? How do I make more impact? How do I live into my purpose and into my calling more effectively, more efficiently? How do I move along that road? Without all the speed bumps and the roadblocks? There is a woman in my life name's Kathy. And Kathy has been through some stuff. And Kathy has been this spiritual life mentor for me. Because I think she's wired very similarly to my type to help herself. She just gets it. And having her perspective on Yes, difficult things happen. But God's got you. And having her also challenged me because she has that capacity to have. When are you making time for you? When are you making time for your marriage? Are you finding time for joy? What else exists for you beyond work and some of those conversations have triggered things in me that have made me reevaluate and move back to a path that God has been straightening for me, where he is saying step here, I will determine your steps, I'm going to straighten the path, I'm going to lead you and guide you and go before you and behind you and be with you. But don't step outside the bounds of this space that I've created for you to walk in. Because I've heard it put it this is Mike Todd, we step out of the bounds of his protection and into a war zone and we get hit. And then we wonder why things are hard. It's like just stay here. And sometimes mentors have that capacity to help us stay on track. To help us stay on target. What we don't need number four sugars, which probably sounds like another word but sugars. You should this you should that you're supposed to. It's supposed to look like you should. You should. You should, you should. And sometimes it's people who haven't walked anything like what you're walking who haven't built a business like you're trying to build one who haven't raised kids in the same context that you're raising kids who value things that are fundamentally different from you. And all they want to do is give you advice and try to make you do it their way because they think they're right or they have a need for significance. And that advice is not going to build us. That advice is just a burden. It's just So weight that gets put on our shoulders if we take it on. These are not the people that we want to allow to create the direction and the quality of our life. It's a shame spiral space. It's a blame space. It's a you're not enough space. People who haven't walked anything like what you're walking and just want to give their opinion to meet their need for significance or not people you want to take advice from and go build your life on read your Bible, it's got way better guidance. I'm not kidding. Okay. Like, read your Bible is fascinating. It actually is, this has been a last few years development for me if I never used to read it. And now I do. I'm like, Whoa, there's just a, there's an activeness. There is a aliveness to it that exists for me now, that didn't before. And it does have way better guidance and the mentors and the encouragers. And the challengers and the empathizers. Those people also have better guidance. And sometimes you don't need guidance, okay? Sometimes you just need to trust yourself. And they'll tell you that sometimes you already know what you need to do. Sometimes you just need to know someone's in your corner. But who do you have in your corner to wrap up as we head into fall of 2022? Or if you're listening to this down the road, whatever season you're entering right now, take a pause and start to look at broadly. Are the people in my life giving me life? Are they building me and allowing me to build them because it's reciprocal? Or am I surrounded by people who draw energy from you who bring you down who don't believe in you, and your capacity, and then look for the opportunities to change it, and ask God to change it because he will, he'll send you an army, he will send you the people that you need. But you've got to be available to that and be open to that and be looking for them. If this is something that you want to dive into a little deeper, there's a couple of things that exist for you. Number one, go read the book. Number two, put yourself on the waitlist for the fear to freedom playbook. This is a course that is based on fired up fulfilled and free. And we're adding in a ton of extras that didn't make it into the book in terms of topics and tools. And we're combining that with doing the work in a supportive setting. So if that's something that flags for you, if that's something that your spirit goes, ooh, put yourself on the waitlist. And as soon as we have more context on when exactly it's going to lunch, you will be the first people to know, next week, we are going to talk about community. So we're continuing on with this people track and talking about how do we build community how do we not just have those one on one relationships, but function in broader community spaces in a way that equips us in a way that encourages us in a way that builds us and that empowers us to go out and do the things that we're called to do. See you then. I hope this episode stirred something up in you or gave you some hope. Until next time, know that you are and that everything in you that has been placed in you has been put there to help you carry out the calling that is on your life. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please please please hop into wherever you listen to podcasts and leave a positive review for us. And the links that we mentioned during the episode will be in your show notes. So make sure to check those out too. Until next time, be love. Be joy. Be strong and courageous and be too much. I dare you