Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast

From Self-Doubt to Unapologetic Confidence with Sophia Tuckett

August 03, 2022 Season 4 Episode 20
Becoming Ourselves - The Podcast
From Self-Doubt to Unapologetic Confidence with Sophia Tuckett
Show Notes Transcript

Have you ever felt like you just can't? Has there been a moment when you really wanted to apply for a new job, ask someone out on a date, or connect with a new mentor you admire and you just... well... you just didn't. Maybe you even felt like you couldn't?

Well, Sophia Tuckett is in the house today and she's dropping all the wisdom bombs about how to move from self-doubt to unapologetic confidence.

ABOUT SOPHIA

Sophia is a fierce advocate for supporting women to see the beauty in being proud of who they are, rooted in their self-acceptance and self-belief.

Sophia's focus is on empowering women to see their strengths as stepping stones to building self-compassion and mental clarity. 

As a global Confidence Consultant, Sophia's mission is to help women to restore unapologetic confidence with boundaries that will assist her client's future growth. She is passionate about seeing the evolution in her clients

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Juli Wenger:

Welcome to becoming ourselves, the podcast, where we help you answer the questions Who Am I? And why am I here. And then we help you get out of your own way because the world is waiting for you to show up and own your power. You have been placed on this earth for purpose, with purpose and on purpose by a God who loves you fiercely. And he has called you to something that has been specifically created for you right now. I'm Juli Wenger, a coach and author, speaker and Enneagram teacher, a Jesus lover and an entrepreneur that rocks ADHD. I am passionate about helping you step into the life you've called to, that something you know is possible, but haven't been able to reach. So buckle up, because it's not always an easy ride. But on the other side, is a life that is fired up, fulfilled, free. Let's go. Welcome to the becoming ourselves podcast. We are in our first episode, post book launch, which has been such a crazy process. And if you've been following along with our author do authority series, you will know all about that. So let's dive into something a little different. I'm so excited because today we have Sophia Tackett on the show and Sophia, I'm gonna read your bio, your bio is awesome. I often don't read bios, but I was reading this was oozes fun. Okay, so like buckle up, you'll Sophia is a fierce advocate for supporting women to see the beauty and being proud of who they are rooted in their self acceptance and self belief. So if he just focuses on empowering women to see their strengths as stepping stones to building self compassion and mental clarity, as a global confidence consultant, I love that Sophie as mission is to help women to restore unapologetic confidence with boundaries that will assist her clients future growth. She's passionate about seeing the evolution in her clients. Okay, so I love this because a pay hold up. Julie, welcome to the show. Hi, we're happy to have you.

Unknown:

Thank you for having me. I'm happy to be here.

Juli Wenger:

We're gonna have fun today. I could just tell. Here's where I want to just like touch on real quick before we jump into more of the conversation is the the fierce, unapologetic confidence empowerment being rooted in our selves and our self worth our being? Right, like that is something that we've talked a lot about on this show and something I see such a need for so can you maybe give us a little background into what brought you into this consulting space that you're in now?

Unknown:

Yeah, so I'm going to give you the short version of this. I experienced infidelity. A few years. I can't even say a few years ago, it's been over a decade now. But even still, that period of facing infidelity really set me back on multiple levels. You know, myself trust, I was at a point a very low point in my life where I had to really come to terms with like, who I was and how I got to where I was at that time. And although I felt in those moments, prior to facing infidelity, I was always a confident person. It kind of shattered my identity. So I had to get to a space where I was like rebuilding who I was and what that even looked like, and leaving that relationship along the way and the emotional roller coaster that came with it. So that's that that in a nutshell, right there is what brought me to supporting women to restore confidence after infidelity.

Juli Wenger:

So there's something in there that my heart just like leaped a little bit at which is the shattering of your identity piece. And can we maybe talk a little bit for a second about how we so often and I think this is really common just I mean, for women generally, probably this shows up just across the board, but that we attach our identity and our value to our relationships and to that role.

Unknown:

Absolutely. I don't know how we do it. And I don't know, where we lose the pureness of who we are. As children, it's like something changes along that journey. And I don't really have words to describe it because I just don't know where the losses Right? Like I have two beautiful girls and I see who they are is just so pure. There's nothing that they're comparing themselves to they're not striving to be better than anyone else. They're just being the selves, right? And something is lost along that journey where we kind of, I think it's somewhere around high school and puberty. Really, as woman, I can only speak for women, where we kind of get to a zone where we're, you know, comparing ourselves. And we have some self doubt and all the things that come with that.

Juli Wenger:

So here's what I think is interesting as I reflect on my journey, and that attachment to things that are not ultimately me, right, is that it can be so subtle, often we're looking for this moment this, like trauma, or this instant, where it's like, oh, now I'm all of a sudden, not not enough, or I'm not my value lies and other people. And I knew that outward validation. But I think for a lot of us not to minimize the effect of trauma, because there's a lot of people who do experience some really awful things, right? And those impact, but it's this thing generally drift over time, this slow taking on of, what are all the perceived expectations of us? And how do you, the people around us, like our parents, or our caregivers see themselves? And how do we then learn to interact with our own self image and our own self worth? And that's been such a recovery journey for me. And I think that like, so listen, you talk about your girls, the potential in our generation, to start to shift and break some of those patterns and give them a different example. And give them tools and context. Just ways to start to see themselves differently. And to say, like, Look, honey are enough, because you exist, you're enough, because you're here, you're beautiful, not because of like anything external, but because of your character, or, you know, to really like, help them see their own value within instead of looking to all of these comparisons and these standards, and these stories, and these shoulds and stuff, like, are just BS that we buy into over time,

Unknown:

right? And to add to that, I really feel it comes down to you know, parenting, because we are the example. Right? So if you have a parent that is maybe anxious dealing with body image issues, or and that's okay. But like, as a child, right, you're seeing it, you're observing it. And it's not what you say, it's what you show, right? That that's really what they're taking in. So I do feel that, you know, just starts there.

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. So let's talk about the flow through because the impact of all of that, regardless of where it comes from, is that long term, we end up in a situation of self doubt, we end up in a situation where it's like, am I enough? Can I do this? Am I capable? Do I need other people to like, backstop my value, essentially? So tell me a little bit about self doubt and what you lead people through in that context?

Unknown:

Yeah, great question, by the way. So self doubt, for all of us, is an amazing tool that we need to really just grab on to. And I mean, that in so many ways, because when you're having doubt about a goal, and I recently just did a podcast on self doubt, but if you have a goal, or you're striving towards something, or even if you have a crush on someone, I'm telling you, you need to go out there and just put that 5% forward on a limb and challenge yourself. Because when and if you don't, you're going to have the shadows, right, you're going to sit there and reflect the night of and be like, Oh, I should have done this. I could have said that. You know what I mean? And the list will go on. But the moment you give that 5% And you literally say to yourself, well, how can I just show 5% of interest in this person? Or how can I go after this huge goal? chunking it down by five? What can I do 5% More up today than I did yesterday. It makes that doubt just a little bit smaller. And you really got to come down to a space of recognizing when was the last time I challenged the self doubt that I'm feeling right now. The biggest part is if you can't recognize your doubt, okay, like I'm feeling doubtful about the situation. How can you step in a space so you can challenge it? So the self awareness piece needs to be there too.

Juli Wenger:

I love this doubt is a tool which is so is counterintuitive, but there's an invitation there. And the compounding, right that we see of okay, I've taken this little step, I'm not so focused on the big picture, the big project, the big thing, the big impact, but like, what's the study set of clients all the time? What's the next step? Like, let's just focus there. Because if you have some general idea of where you're going, that's great. But that just like gives us directions to point in now we need to back out of that, because we'll get overwhelmed. And then that doubt, like it builds, it takes on a whole new life, it turns like, literally into a mountain. So when you said that it is a tool, and there's like, all kinds of levels to that. Is there anything else there in terms of we can lean in, and we can give it a little bit of effort that we might not have otherwise, but like, what else exists there in terms of us leveraging that doubt? Or how we can think about it?

Unknown:

Yeah. So I, when I support my clients on it, I literally ask them, you know, so what if, and I want you to, and I'm gonna share this, this is a little bit of a long winded answer, but unpack your self doubt. Okay. It could be a job position, let's just use this scenario you have, because as women, we get stuck in this imposter syndrome. And we don't want to do it, but like, you're qualified, right? So let's just talk about a job position. And when you're in that space, and you're feeling doubtful, unpack that self doubt that you're feeling. Okay, so I'm anxious What if I get it, it's usually you're just a little bit fearful of the unknown behind it. That's where the doubts coming. But if you can unpack that with what if? That's it? What if I actually get this roll? Then what, but ask yourself? What if six times and write down journal reflect? What if six times and answer it you know, so I get the job, I get this? I have a little bit more responsibility. unpack that? What if multiple times until you're comfortable with it? Because you're gonna get to a space where you're like, Okay, this is not that serious. I'm making it bigger than what it actually is.

Juli Wenger:

Can we tie into impostor syndrome? This is one of my favorites. And I think there's such a cool tie between like when we think about self doubt, and we think about the fever that underpins that. There is this direct link that shows up in my brain between just in general self doubt, and this impostor syndrome piece, which shows up when we're up leveling, it shows up when we're growing when we're stepping into something new, something different, something we don't have a frame of reference for, because we haven't been there before. Right? So if we can conquer some of this self doubt by asking questions like what if, and we can start to dream and we can start to get curious, not from a space even necessarily of over committing to those outcomes, because our ego likes to step in, right? And be like, well, that's not you know, inner critic, I call her Bertha. Like, Bertha gets real loud. She's like, Who do you think you are that whatever, but it's like, but just just hold on, like, just shush Bertha for a hot second, like, what if? What if I did step out of this business? What if I did launch this thing? What if I did build this program? And really dependent on how we're wired? You can for impact driven and were other people driven and relationship driven? Like, what's the impact? Not just for me, but for other people? Yeah, there's so much power in that, that starts to give us context on our fear. So can you talk about your journey? Sure. Into this confidence coaching? Sure. How does self doubt show up in there? And what has that been like to now step into, from what I see? Okay, powerfully standing in this role of confidence consulting and like empowering women and building people and I'm just like all bubbly over here. So I'm like, so excited you're doing this work? Because I need it. So anyway, I'm gonna stop talking now.

Unknown:

Yeah, no, it's a great question. Because confidence is ambiguous in a way, right? We all kind of have our definition of what confidence is, but mine may not align with you and it may not sit right with you if you are trying to step into that role for me facing that infidelity and really happening so I actually left the country for three and a half years dealing with that but doing that, that journey was an amazing because sitting there going through the emotions facing yourself, you know that you versus you mentality, it really brings you to a place of humbleness. And it brings you to a place of self forgiveness. Because when you get to a spot where you're free Giving yourself for all these boxes, essentially, you've put yourself into you recognize like, No, I don't even know how I got here. Why am I putting on this role, so to speak? Or, you know, trying to fit into this standard that just doesn't feel right. And natural to me, it's not authentic. Does that answer your question?

Juli Wenger:

Oh, I just like, just about jumped out of my chair, Sophia, because this is so much the experience, we take on like to tie back to this childhood thing, we take on these expectations of what being enough as like, let's just talk women for a minute. So like, hang with us guys, we take on these expectations of what being enough as a woman looks like, which often includes like being pretty enough and being productive enough and being like Superwoman, in all, super one, there are all of these boxes, these roles that society tries to put us in. And then there are the checklists for enoughness is how I describe it for each of these roles in these boxes. But if we didn't build the boxes, and we didn't build the checklists, and for me, from a faith perspective, if God didn't confirm that those are my boxes on my checklists, they're just not for me. And I'm trying to live into something then that was never created for me to live into in the first place. And I'm measuring and evaluating my worth and my enoughness based on it, and it over time, like it takes us out of our power, because we're giving our power to all of these expectations that like, let's be real, they might not even actually exist. Because it's just our perception of what do I think other people think that I need to be to be successful or to be enough or to be appreciated, or to be helpful or to be like, whatever the narrative is for us, right? So being able to recognize number one, that we're in a box, yeah, that's a tough one to be able to recognize that we are bigger than that. And we are more purpose than that. And that if you like, take all those boxes and you go, like, push them off to the side. We still are here. So then what's left like that, man, that's the stuff that lights me up. But humility and self forgiveness. Mm hmm. Okay, deep breaths. Self forgiveness. Let's talk about that first. And then let's jump back to humility. So what if we had to break it down into tangibles of like, how do we walk through a process of forgiving ourselves? Or there's some key things that people can reflect on and say, like, here's how I might identify process actually, like, actually forgive myself? Because often we like hold on to this differently. No, I don't want to let it go. So you know, what context might we give people to actually face?

Unknown:

Yeah, so one thing I work through with my clients is literally, I'm telling you, if you're listening to this, do this. Get in front of the mirror, set a two minute timer, and face yourself, look into your own eyes, hand on heart, own it. We all have stuff that we need to say, I'm sorry, I love you. I hear you. And I'm feeling you just say that. And you say it for two minutes. And I'm going to tell you, your inner critic is going to tap in in less than a minute. And you're going to feel like oh, like an uneasy and when you do continue, put your inner critic back seat and go through this process for the full two minutes. And do it again in the evening before bed. And you if you can do this for 21 days, twice a day, morning, before bed. It will change your life and it's going to force your inner critic to your boss, you're pretty much like bossing back, your inner critic. Michelle Mick, Vinny is a an acquaintance of mine. And she uses this term all the time. Boss back your inner critic. And that's really what you're gonna do. And you're going to continue this process looking at yourself in the eyes, standing in front of the mirror and you own it. And even if it feels uncomfortable, because it will and if you can't even get to the point of saying sorry, just kind words, hand on heart. I love you. I appreciate you say your name, right? Completely own it.

Juli Wenger:

The The reality is that US bossing back or inner critic. I mean, that's exactly what it is. And we're taking our power back from the voice or taking our power back from the stories and And as you're talking about, you know, putting in the back seat, I often reference that when we're talking about our ego, but ultimately, the inner critic is the voice of our ego. Right? It's that self protective like, little not grown up version of us, I often say it's like a four year old throwing a fit to get its way and its way is trying to keep us safe in the same because it wants predictability, and it wants certainty. And if we're suffering, and we're lacking confidence, and we're stuck in a self doubt spiral, or shame spiral, or all of the emotional stuff that goes with that the inner critic and the ego are like, but I know what that's like, and I know how to survive here. So even if big us knows that there's something better, and there's something different, our ego doesn't know if it's safe there yet. So what you're talking about, I equate it to this growth curve, from a confidence specific perspective of I'm going to recognize that here's where I am right now, in this space of I'm doubting myself, the imposter syndrome showing up my inner critic is really loud. And I'm going to actively and consciously choose to take these little baby steps up this growth curve and go to battle with my ego, and throw that sucker in the backseat over and over and over again, because we can't get rid of it. Like it still serves a purpose. And we need it. So we don't want to go running around with no fear. But the other side of that curve of that 21 days, for example, is potentially where our ego starts to develop a frame of reference for, hey, this new way of being is actually okay, and I can get my needs met there, and it's safe. And it's like it releases its death grip of old you, and starts to reattach to this new place. And so, like what you're saying, makes so much sense. And I wanted to find two because we're talking about this shift from self doubt, to confidence from this self doubt, to I forgiven myself and learning to love myself, and maybe even learning to like myself, and

Unknown:

that's the thing, it's a stepping stone to compassion and grace. Yeah, it's the little things, right. So you're, you're speaking about this learning curve to it. But really, once you get there, you have a sense of lightness around you. And it's not because you're like, I'm bold, I'm confident and this and that, no, it's more like, I'm good here, like my heart, my, my being, I'm good here. And it you will come across a lot different. But that compassionate side of you, for the way you treat yourself in your head, is night and day,

Juli Wenger:

can literally rewire your brain and how you process things by building like you're building a neural pathway to, in practicing this over and over and over again, is you're saying, Okay, I'm gonna have this replacement habit to something that I was very predisposed to. And we have to have so much grace for ourselves. Because it's I mean, for me, if I was to say, Okay, I'm going to tackle this, like today, I'm almost 38, I've got 38 years of building preexisting neural pathways of defaulting into self doubt, or self criticism, or shaming or not enoughness or whatever, like, it's going to take time and time and energy, and it's going to take conscious effort. And often it takes accountability, which is where we need people like Sophia, right? Because for us to change the way we think, within the context of how we think which got us to where we are in the first place is kind of like, it doesn't make sense, right? So we can get ourselves so far from just awareness and saying, Okay, maybe this is a new way of thinking I can adopt, but sometimes we'll get stuck. And here's where I see a tension showing up, okay, for some of our listeners, potentially, is that there is this context in society. And I'll see this a lot for my listener base, because there's a lot of people who operate in like a faith perspective, right? And it's like, I'm not supposed to be confident, because that means that I'm egotistical. So we need to talk about the dynamic between confidence and humility. And what humility actually is because humility is not timidity.

Unknown:

Yeah. So I think, personally, I can only speak from my own personal experience. We all know what humility is, right? Like, to be confident. And the way you know you show up and engage with people. There's a space of humility there. It's like, across the board, respect, and you name it. Now, on a faith base. To me, it's quite simple. You can feel confident within who you're being and who you are and how you show up and still have faith in whatever religion you stand in? Why can't there be both? There's love on each side. It doesn't have to be black and white. And if there's love there, why not?

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. And there's like, and this has been such a part of my journey because I masked for years, right? It was like, I'll show up, and I will seem like, I'm comfortable in my own skin, and I'm happy and I'm confident and whatever. But like inside was that really, really loud inner critic, and that self doubt and that just like, unworthiness, that attachment to being not enough. And what I've been learning as I've gone through this journey, and just to, you know, tie back to even the like, the spiritual side is that I'm reading all of this stuff about knowing who you are. And knowing your identity and being comfortable with who you are, and confident in who you are and who you've been created to be. And it was interesting, because I went through Enneagram training a few months ago, we had this meditation that we did, and one of the pieces that I was meditating on was humility. Because humility for my type structure, is the virtue. The best of my type is what shows up when we're really comfortable with ourselves. And we've grown and, and I've always thought of humble as timid and quiet, and kind of like playing small, right? Okay. And so I looked at that. And I was reflecting on it and was like, oh, you know, what humility is, it's being for other people without needing anything back. It's being able to give and to show up and to be present without expecting that return on investment.

Unknown:

Exactly. You nailed it. That's it. It's like a level of respect.

Juli Wenger:

Yeah. And self respect to right, because we can't give what we don't have. Absolutely. So for us to show up and say, you know, what, I am going to be fully and authentically me. Because that's, I think, also, what's required for us to be in humility is not trying to pretend to be someone else not trying to be like in that measuring up state. And it just changed everything. Because the sometimes the definitions that we default to aren't actually right. And changing the definition can change the whole picture.

Unknown:

Right. So true. Okay.

Juli Wenger:

So we've talked about doubt, we've talked about some origins, we talked about imposter syndrome, I talked about how we move through some self forgiveness, how we frame confidence and humility and stepping out of boxes. So what do you see? If you're to think about some people who have walked through this journey? And what exists for them on the other side? And what kind of freedom is there? Can we give people some insight into what generally is possible for them in their life if they're willing to commit to doing the work?

Unknown:

Yeah. So one thing we're not really good at, is grace. giving ourselves some grace. And, you know, when we were speaking about boxes and such, that's one thing, but have some kindness for yourself. So coming to space and an understanding that on the flip side of this, you are going to have some grace. And when you feel tired beat and not in the mood, you will have the mindset and the be in being able to recognize I'm not doing this today, you'll have boundaries, you are going to have the you're going to find your voice to stand in your own to say not today. And because those boundaries are there for you. Literally just even saying it just doesn't sit right with my values and my boundaries. That the grace portion of this lasts forever. Right? It's almost like a non negotiable. I will do what's right for me before I can even fill your cup, right? Like I need to be completely there. Yeah, it's an amazing journey.

Juli Wenger:

The ability to have boundaries without having a sense of self worth is practically impossible. And it's for us to be able to show up for other people. I mean, you nailed it, we can't, we can't be present we can't take care of we can't even you know attempt to meet our own definitions of success for how we for example, parent or show up in our businesses or connect with our communities, if we are drained and burnt out and don't see our own value, and then we get so much more like judgmental of other people, and we don't have compassion for other people, and we don't have grace for other people. And I think we see what happens in the world when people are functioning that way. And it's an epidemic right now. So for us to be able to do our own healing and come back to ourselves and stand confidently in who we are the flow through impact of enough of us doing that work. It means we get to approach life and society and justice issues and equity issues and like all sorts of challenges that exist in society from a completely different place. And from a place of understanding, and we can't have conversations from a place of shaming and from a place of judgment, that are going to make the world more love filled, honestly, right.

Unknown:

Yeah.

Juli Wenger:

I love this conversation.

Unknown:

Ditto, I feel like we can go on so many different rants. But I want to leave with this. Yes. Ask yourself, how much can I do? Because when and if you are sitting in that doubt, and things feel so heavy and so large, when you come to that question, you're going to figure out what that 5% is, it's all connected, you're going to figure out what that 5% More is for you in that moment. And it's going to get you moving, because action will always be your self doubt. And then the next time self doubt comes around, you're gonna recognize Wait, I did this before when I felt this way. And you're going to challenge it, face it, go back to, you know, how much can I do your 5% more, and you're going to crush it.

Juli Wenger:

and surround yourself with the people who say this is an important piece to people who are also on that journey. We're also in that growth phase of learning to love themselves of being able to zoom out on your life and be an observer in your life. And that might be a coach, and it might be a friend group. And sometimes it's a changing friend group, let's be real because this whole journey of becoming more us and becoming more powerfully on authentic us can get kind of lonely sometimes. And we have to be intentional about what environments and what people are supportive of me going through this process. So I just tagged that in there, too. But I'm so grateful that we could have you on the show. And we could talk about all of this. And I know this is going to serve a lot of people who are struggling with that sense of am I enough? Can I do it? And especially when we are called to something that is bigger than ourselves. It can take on a whole nother level of but I don't feel like I'm capable of that or I haven't done that before. It's like well, no, you haven't. But like the only way to get there and the only way to create that impact. And the only way to live that life that's like really fulfilling or fulfilling and fills your boots is to step through some of that fear. Yeah, I appreciate you.

Unknown:

Oh, thank you. Thank you for having me. This is a great fulfilling conversation overall. And I'm happy to be here with you. If you

Juli Wenger:

all want to as you're listening to this or follow along with what Sophia is up to or if you want to connect with her and talk about building your confidence and your self forgiveness and overcoming this doubt thing because it's holding you back and the world is waiting for you. Then we are going to drop some links in the show notes so that you can click on all of them and go all the places and she'd be more than happy I'm sure to connect with you and support you in your journey. So until next time, all our love and Virtual hugs be well. I hope this episode stirred something up in you or gave you some hope. Until next time, know that you are enough that everything in you that has been placed in you has been put there to help you carry out the calling that is on your life. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please please please hop into wherever you listen to podcasts and leave a positive review for us. The links that we mentioned during the episode will be in your show notes. So make sure to check those out too. Until next time, be love. Be joy. Be strong and courageous and be too much. I dare you